Gratitude Is Overrated (and Misunderstood)

Every November, the same script plays out.
We say we’re thankful. We cook, clean, host, and smile while quietly holding our breath.
We call it “tradition.” We call it “family.” We tell ourselves it’s about love and gratitude.

The truth is, most of us go through the motions and don’t really know how we feel or why.
We’ve got it down pat because this is what we do.
We don’t want to hurt feelings, rock the boat, or be “the one who didn’t show up.”
So we show up, physically present, emotionally absent, and then wonder why the day feels hollow.

But if we’re being honest, a lot of it is performance.
And most of us are exhausted from pretending.

When Gratitude Becomes a Job Description

We confuse giving with overdoing.
We run ourselves into the ground “doing it for family,” and call that love.
We say we’re giving, but what we’re really doing is keeping score: who helped, who didn’t, who appreciated it, who didn’t.
That’s not giving. That’s survival in disguise.

Real gratitude isn’t about how many dishes you cooked or how perfect the house looks.
It’s about presence.
And that’s usually what’s missing.

When the Holidays Hurt

For some, holidays are a highlight reel. For others, they’re a trigger reel.
They remind you of who’s gone, what’s changed, what’s broken.
Maybe you’re walking into tension. Maybe you’re walking into silence. Maybe you’re not walking in at all.
And that’s okay.

If this year you decide not to go to Mom’s because your stepdad’s comments were disrespectful last time, own it.
If you’re choosing peace over a dinner that feels like an ambush, stand by it.
Say it clearly, kindly, and without a TED Talk worth of explanation.
You don’t owe anyone a justification for taking care of your mental health.

If You’re Suffering a Loss

If you’re walking through loss of a marriage, a relationship, a death, a job, or financial stability, let yourself feel it.
Don’t deny it, sugarcoat it, or shove it under the rug.
Those emotions don’t disappear. They wait.
And when you don’t face them, they follow you. They always surface later, usually when you least expect it.

Grief doesn’t play by your schedule.
It shows up in the quiet moments, the empty chairs, the “should-have-beens.”
Allow yourself to feel your gut-level truth, even when it’s ugly, raw, and inconvenient.
Your feelings are not your enemy; they’re your teachers.

They might suck. They might sting. But they’re part of your story, and if you let them, they’ll help you grow, heal, and understand yourself on a level that pretending never will.
You can’t numb your way to peace. You have to feel your way through it.

Stop Over-Explaining and Start Owning Your Choices

We over-explain or justify ourselves to family way too often.
It’s like we believe if we just explain enough, they’ll finally understand or agree.
Spoiler alert: they probably won’t.

Explaining usually turns into convincing, and convincing usually turns into frustration.
Being honest, upfront, and brief tends to land better.
Say what you mean. State what you will and won’t be doing. Then stop.

People may not like boundaries at first, but they respect honesty, even when it stings.
Over time, clear truth builds more peace than years of explanation ever could.

The Mindset You Create Now

Here’s the thing: your mindset for the holidays starts now, not on Thanksgiving morning.
If you’ve already decided, “The holidays are stressful,” “My family always fights,” or “I hate this time of year,” then your brain is already building the reality to match it.

You’ve set the scene, chosen the cast, and written the ending.
Your mind will subconsciously collect evidence to prove it right.
If you expect chaos, you’ll see chaos.
If you expect to feel alone, you’ll notice every moment that reinforces that story.

So pause right now and check the narrative you’re writing in your head.
Ask yourself, “Is this really how I want to experience the next few weeks?”
You can’t control people, but you can control your focus.
Choose to look for truth instead of triggers.
Choose calm over control.
Choose to see what is good, not because you’re forcing gratitude, but because you’re refusing to live on autopilot.

Spending Time with Family, but Differently

Spending time with family can be valuable.
But if the “family tradition” leaves everyone irritated, overstimulated, or pretending, maybe it’s time to change how it’s done.

Take charge. Lead the shift.
Eat together, then do something together.
Pack lunches and deliver them to a homeless shelter.
Bake and take desserts to a fire station or police department working the holiday.
Collect coats or socks and deliver them as a family.
Go visit a nursing home and actually talk to the residents.
Call ahead and ask for a list of residents who don’t have family. Have your kids make cards or small gifts for them.
Or contact a children’s hospital to see what they need. Homemade cards, coloring books, blankets, or small comfort items go a long way.
You can even spend an afternoon writing encouragement notes to staff at a shelter or hospital.

These things take a couple of hours and cost next to nothing, but they give everyone involved something money can’t buy: perspective.
That’s where the real connection happens, in shared purpose, not forced politeness.
You might be surprised how much more love you feel when you stop performing it.

And Let’s Be Honest, Mom Would Love Some Help

So Mom always does all the cooking? Trust me, she’d love some help.
We always say, “We go to Mom’s every year,” but how often do we actually do something for her?
What if this year you stepped in without being asked?
Bring a dish just because.
Show up early and help set the table.
Organize an activity where the grandkids do something meaningful for their grandparents: rake leaves, wash cars, clean up after dinner, write thank-you notes, or make dessert together.

Notice how this feels.
Notice how everyone softens a little when the focus shifts from “tradition” to appreciation.
That’s real giving. It fills instead of drains.

What If You Already Know You’ll Be Miserable?

Let’s be blunt.
If you’re already saying, “I always hate the holidays,” or “I don’t do holidays,” then congratulations, you’ve successfully set your brain up to make that true.
You’ve written the script: gloomy, lonely, checked out, predictable.
And your brain, being the loyal little machine that it is, will deliver exactly what you ordered.

If that’s what you want, great. Mission accomplished.
But if it’s not, stop feeding the mindset that guarantees misery.
Try something different this year.
Instead of isolating, reach out.
Ask a nonprofit, church, or community center if they need volunteers.
Deliver food. Wrap gifts for kids in foster care. Serve meals.
You don’t need to “fix” your sadness, just redirect it into something that matters.

When you give your time to someone who truly needs it, something inside you shifts.
Perspective changes everything.

Being Alone, By Choice

And what if you’re alone this year?
Not by accident, but by choice.
Maybe you’ve had enough of the chaos, the pretending, or the hurt. Maybe you finally said, “Not this year.”
If that’s the case, then own it. Don’t turn it into a pity party or a sad story. You made the call, so step into it fully.

Don’t sit in silence scrolling social media, convincing yourself everyone else is happier.
If you choose to be alone, be alone on purpose.
Feel what comes up: the quiet, the boredom, the sadness, maybe even the relief.
Let it all surface. Don’t run from it. You might actually meet feelings you’ve been avoiding for years: grief, peace, loneliness, clarity, and realize they’ve been trying to teach you something.

You can’t heal what you refuse to feel.
And you can’t grow if you keep repeating situations that drain you just to avoid discomfort.
Choosing solitude isn’t weakness, it’s ownership.
But sitting in self-pity? That’s victim mode.
And playing the martyr, “no one invited me,” “I’m always alone,” guarantees you’ll stay right there.

So if you’re spending this holiday by yourself, make it intentional.
Cook yourself a great meal. Watch what you want. Write, read, rest, volunteer.
Be fully present in your own company, no guilt, no explanations, no pretending.
You might find that being alone doesn’t mean being lonely.
It might just mean being free.

Our Kids Are Missing the Art of Giving

Our kids are missing a vital piece of life: the art of giving “just because.”
Sadly, very few understand what it means to give without expecting anything in return.
They’ve been raised in a world of likes, followers, and instant validation.
They know how to send an emoji or text, but they rarely experience what it feels like to show up in person and give their time, energy, or heart.

What if we changed that?
What if this year, instead of another round of online gaming or scrolling, we helped them experience hands-on giving?
Let them be part of preparing and delivering meals.
Have them hand out sandwiches or blankets to the homeless.
Take them to visit a nursing home with cards they’ve made, or to a children’s hospital with simple handmade crafts.
Call and get a list of residents who don’t have family. Let your kids make something for each of them.
Let them see the faces of people who actually benefit from kindness.
Let them feel how different that kind of giving is from just saying “thank you.”

That’s where empathy grows.
That’s how you teach gratitude, not by preaching it, but by living it.

Don’t Get Stuck in the Blame Game

And one more thing: don’t get stuck in the blame game.
Stop focusing on what someone has done to you, stolen from you, or destroyed in you.
It’s easy to live in that space and tell yourself you’re the victim of other people’s choices.

But the truth? It always takes two.
No one gets to wreck your peace without your participation somewhere in the pattern.
Take this time to examine your part in the dysfunction or destruction.
Because what you don’t acknowledge, you can’t change, and what you refuse to face will keep showing up in new packaging until you finally do.

Maybe not the same person, but the same issues, the same pain, the same lesson.
So get honest.
Take accountability.
And decide that this holiday season won’t be another rerun of the same script.

Get Honest About What You’re Really Doing

If you’re giving from guilt, it’s not generosity.
If you’re showing up out of obligation, it’s not love.
And if you’re doing things “because it’s what we’ve always done,” it might be time to ask why.

Gratitude isn’t about pretending life’s perfect.
It’s about showing up honestly, for yourself and others, with intention instead of expectation.

At the end of the day, when we overdo or put ourselves in situations where we already know the outcome, we’re not being selfless; we’re playing the victim or the martyr.
And that never pulls people toward you in love; it pushes them away.

People are drawn to authenticity, not exhaustion.
To truth, not performance.

So this year, do it differently.
Stop performing thankfulness and start living it.
Lead your family.
Serve with purpose.
Teach your kids how to give, not for credit, but for connection.
Give what’s real: your time, your presence, your humanity.

That’s gratitude.
That’s giving.
That’s real.