Connected, But Alone: What Happens When AI Becomes Easier Than People?

I have to admit something.

AI is pretty darn easy to get along with.

It doesn’t interrupt me. It doesn’t roll its eyes. It doesn’t get impatient when I ask the same question six different ways. And if I don’t like what it says, I can simply say, “No. Try again.”

How convenient is that?

AI is available when I want it. It helps me organize my thoughts, gives me ideas, answers questions and sometimes tells me exactly what I was hoping to hear.

But people aren’t supposed to work that way.

The people we love have their own thoughts, feelings, opinions, bad days and needs. They disagree with us. They challenge us. They make us laugh. They disappoint us. We disappoint them. We work things out.

That’s a relationship.

And after more than 30 years of sitting across from individuals, couples, parents and children as a therapist, I can tell you that learning how to do those things is a big part of what brings people into my office.

People struggle with communication. They avoid difficult conversations. They don’t know how to say what they need. They fear rejection. They want reassurance. They get angry when someone sees things differently.

None of this is new.

What is new is that we now have something available 24 hours a day that can help us avoid some of it.

That’s where I think we need to pay attention.

When Help Becomes a Substitute

I use AI. I think it’s an incredible tool. The question isn’t whether we should use it. The question is what are we beginning to use it instead of?

When I’m upset, do I call a friend—or open Chat?

When my spouse says something that hurts my feelings, do I ask what was meant—or ask AI to analyze it?

When I’m lonely, do I reach out to someone—or stay safely behind a screen?

When I don’t know what to say, do I struggle to find my own words—or ask AI to give me the perfect ones?

That’s how I think dependency can sneak up on us. Little by little, we may start taking things to AI that we used to take to another person.

As a therapist, this is the part that interests me.

People don’t usually come into therapy because they need the perfect sentence.

They come because something underneath the sentence isn’t working.

Why can’t I tell my husband what I need?

Why do I shut down every time someone is angry with me?

Why do I keep needing reassurance?

Why am I terrified somebody won’t like me?

Why do I keep repeating the same relationship patterns?

Those are questions that require insight, not just answers.

AI can certainly help us explore them. But if we only use it to reassure ourselves, validate our side or write the perfect response, we can miss the most important question:

What is my part in this?

That question has been sitting in my therapy office a lot longer than AI has.

Some Things We Have to Do Ourselves

I get my butt out of bed at 4:45 in the morning to work out. Some mornings my back hurts, my hip flexor is screaming, or my torn rotator cuff is aching.

Then I go complain to my trusted chiropractor, Dr. David Smith.

He knows me. He knows my history, knows I’m probably going to keep working out anyway, and over the years we have developed an actual relationship.

Could I ask Chat why my shoulder hurts? Absolutely. I have!

But Chat can’t do the workout for me. It can’t learn my body or replace someone who actually knows me.

The same is true emotionally.

I can give a patient insight, ask questions and point out patterns all day long. But I can’t go home and do the work for them.

Neither can AI.

At some point, you have to do that part.

You have to have the conversation. You have to tolerate someone being disappointed in you. You have to apologize. You have to set the boundary. You have to hear something you don’t like. You have to decide whether you are willing to change your own behavior.

That’s where growth happens.

Sometimes we need to sit with a problem long enough to ask:

What do I think?

And maybe:

What do I need to look at in myself?

And Our Kids Are Watching

This may be the part that concerns me most.

I’ve worked with children and families for decades, and one thing hasn’t changed:

Kids watch us.

They watch how we solve problems. They watch how we handle frustration. They watch how we treat people. And now they’re watching what we do every time we don’t know something.

More and more, they’re hearing:

“Ask Chat.”

I say it too.

I’m old enough to remember going to the library, looking through an encyclopedia and using a phone book. We had to look things up, ask somebody, make a phone call—and sometimes we simply didn’t know.

Imagine that.

You had to think.

I’m certainly not suggesting we hand our kids an encyclopedia and say, “Good luck. See you Thursday.”

AI is here. Our children need to know how to use it.

But knowing how to find an answer and knowing how to think are not the same thing.

As a therapist, I want kids to learn how to think themselves out of a box.

If your daughter has a problem with a friend, don’t immediately ask Chat to write the perfect text.

Ask her, “What do you think you should say?”

If your son has a problem with a teacher, don’t immediately solve it.

Ask him, “What do you think you should do?”

Let them stumble. Let them make the phone call. Let them hear “no.” Let them occasionally be uncomfortable.

Those experiences matter.

Because someday I want that child to become an adult who can say:

“I don’t know what to do yet, but I can figure this out.”

That is very different from, “Somebody tell me what to do.”

What I See in Relationships

One thing I have learned in more than 30 years as a therapist is that loneliness isn’t always about being alone.

I’ve seen loneliness in marriages.

I’ve seen it in families.

I’ve seen it in people who have plenty of friends.

I’ve seen people surrounded by others who still don’t feel that anyone truly knows them.

That is why the AI conversation matters to me.

If we are already struggling to talk to one another, understand one another and tolerate the discomfort that comes with relationships, I don’t want technology making it easier for us to retreat further from each other.

I want it helping us go toward each other.

Use AI to help organize what you want to say.

Then say it.

Use it to think of questions to ask your teenager.

Then put the phone down and listen to the answers.

Use it to help you look at a disagreement differently.

Then go back to your spouse and talk about it.

Use it to help you think.

But don’t forget to think for yourself.

Connected Isn’t the Same as Connected

We have more ways to communicate than we have ever had.

We text. We post. We message. We FaceTime. And now we can have an immediate conversation with AI anytime we want one.

Yet people are still lonely.

Because being able to reach someone and feeling connected to someone are two entirely different things.

Human connection takes effort.

You have to show up. Listen. Risk being misunderstood. Hear another person’s opinion. Occasionally admit you were wrong.

And sometimes you have to stay in a conversation when every part of you wants to leave it.

AI can help us prepare for that.

But then go have the conversation.

Call the friend.

Sit down with your spouse.

Talk to your kid.

Ask the question.

Listen to the answer.

Look somebody in the eye.

AI isn’t going away, and I don’t think it should.

Use it. Learn from it. Let it make some things easier.

Just don’t let it take away the very experiences that teach us how to know ourselves and connect with other people.

Because AI can give us an answer.

It can’t replace being known.