Pass the Turkey, Not the Judgment

How to Stay Grounded Around the People Who Know How to Push Your Buttons

Thanksgiving is coming.

Which means families everywhere will soon gather around tables, eat too much food, talk over one another and spend time with people they love dearly—some of whom can irritate them faster than anyone else on the planet.

Because that’s family.

You can be a perfectly reasonable, emotionally mature adult all year long, walk into your mother’s house for Thanksgiving, and within 20 minutes somehow be 14 again.

Your brother makes the comment.

Your mother gives the look.

Someone asks a question that’s none of their business.

Someone brings up politics.

And there you are.

Pass the gravy.

The people we love the most often know exactly where our buttons are.

A lot of times, they’re the ones who installed them.

So maybe this Thanksgiving we don’t need another article telling us to be grateful.

We’re grateful.

Maybe we just need a reminder that we don’t have to react to everything that happens around us.

First, Don’t Be a Thanksgiving Martyr

Let’s start before anybody even walks through the door.

Don’t spend three days cooking 14 dishes by yourself, refuse every offer of help, run yourself completely ragged and then expect everyone to give you a standing ovation when the turkey hits the table.Because you know what happens next.

Everybody eats.

Someone says,

“This is good.”

Five minutes later they’re watching football.

Meanwhile you’re standing in the kitchen thinking:

Do these people have ANY IDEA what I have done for them?

Well…maybe not.

Because you wouldn’t let them help.

How about making some of it and actually asking people to bring something?

And not:

“Oh, you don’t need to bring anything.”

Then secretly getting mad because they didn’t bring anything.

Give people jobs.

You bring the rolls.

You bring dessert.

You bring the wine.

You bring a side dish.

Thanksgiving doesn’t have to be a one-woman catering operation.

And asking for help doesn’t make the meal less special.

It might actually make you more pleasant to sit next to.

Don’t Ruin Thanksgiving Before You Even Get There

Some of us start Thanksgiving three days early.

Not the cooking. The worrying.

The overthinking.

The venting.

I already know how my crazy-ass mother is going to act.

My brother will do his usual dog-and-pony show.

My sister’s heathen kids are going to drive me absolutely crazy.

And none of this has even happened yet.

But that doesn’t stop us.

We call a friend and spend 20 minutes reenacting Thanksgiving—complete with everybody’s voices.

“And then she’s going to say…”

“And you KNOW what he’ll do…”

By the time we hang up, we’ve had the argument, defended ourselves, told everybody off and probably won.

And it’s Tuesday.

There’s another problem with doing this.

We’ve already made the people in our own family the villains before Thanksgiving even starts.

Mom is crazy.

Brother is an ass.

The kids are heathens.

We’re the reasonable one.

Everybody has been assigned a role.

And Thanksgiving hasn’t even happened yet.

Maybe Mom will still be Mom. The kids may still act like heathens. Your brother may still put on his dog-and-pony show.

But if you walk in looking for proof that everybody is exactly as awful as you predicted, you’re probably going to find it.And here’s the part we don’t always like:

Sometimes we’re in somebody else’s pre-Thanksgiving phone call, too.

Ouch.

So what if we walked in with a different plan?

Yep. Mom may be Mom.

My brother may put on the dog-and-pony show.

My sister’s heathen kids may, in fact, be heathens.

And I don’t have to participate in all of it.

I don’t control the cast.

I don’t control the script.

But I sure as hell don’t have to audition for the drama.

And Don’t Drink Your Way Through It

If you already know your family can push every button you have, going in planning to get wasted probably isn’t your best plan.

A glass of wine? Fine.

Using wine as your emotional support animal?

Maybe not.

Because here’s the deal:

You can sit back and watch the circus, or you can get drunk and become part of it.

Alcohol has an interesting way of removing that tiny little filter between:

“I probably shouldn’t say this.”

and

“You know what your problem is?”

Nobody has ever repaired 20 years of complicated family dynamics by getting drunk and finally

telling everyone what they really think.Sometimes alcohol just makes you vomit out words you’ll wish you could swallow the next morning.

That’s a Thanksgiving leftover nobody wants.

Have the wine if you want it.

Just remember:

You don’t have to join the circus.

Not Every Comment Requires a Response

Someone says something you disagree with and immediately your jaw tightens, your heart rate changes, and you’re no longer listening because you’re preparing your response.

Before you know it, you’re explaining, defending or trying to prove your point.

Here’s something I’ve learned:

You don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to.

You can disagree without correcting.

You can let someone have the last word.

You can even think:

Well, that’s interesting.

And continue eating your pie.

So What Does “Staying Grounded” Actually Mean?

It doesn’t mean you don’t have feelings or that you sit there smiling while someone treats you badly.

It simply means:

I notice what’s happening inside me before I let it decide what comes out of my mouth.

Someone says something and you feel yourself going from zero to sixty.

The feeling isn’t the problem.

What you do next matters.Slow down.

Take a breath.

Don’t answer immediately.

Ask yourself:

Do I really need to respond to this?

Or:

Did somebody just hit an old button?

Sometimes a few seconds is all we need to make a better choice.

And That’s Co-Regulation

Co-regulation sounds complicated. It isn’t.

Basically:

I can stay okay while you’re not okay.

Your emotion doesn’t have to become mine.

If you’re angry, I don’t have to become angry.

If you’re anxious, I don’t have to become anxious.

If you’re upset, I don’t have to fix it.

I can listen without becoming responsible for making your feeling disappear.

Think about how often we do the opposite:

“Don’t cry.”

“Don’t worry.”

“Calm down.”

Has telling an angry person to calm down ever actually calmed anyone down?

Probably not in the history of calming down.

Sometimes we try to stop someone else’s emotion simply because their emotion is making us uncomfortable.

You Don’t Have to Fix It

Someone tells us about a problem and immediately we’re off and running.

“Here’s what you need to do.”

“Have you tried…?”

“Well, if it were me…”

Sometimes people don’t need our brilliant solution.

Sometimes they need us to shut up.

I say that with love.

Listening isn’t waiting for your turn to talk or mentally preparing your response.

It’s being curious enough to understand what the other person is actually trying to tell you.

One of the best questions we can ask is:

“Do you want me to listen, or do you want my opinion?”

And then respect the answer.

That’s a gift.

No wrapping paper required.

This Doesn’t Mean Being a Doormat

Listening doesn’t mean accepting disrespect.

Co-regulation doesn’t mean allowing someone to scream at you.

You can say:

“I’m happy to talk about this, but I’m not going to argue about it.”

“We’re probably not going to agree on this one.”

Or my personal favorite:

“I’m not discussing that today.”

And sometimes you can simply excuse yourself and go see what’s happening in the kitchen.A boundary isn’t controlling what somebody else does.

It’s deciding what you will do.

Thanksgiving Doesn’t Have to Fix Your Family

We put enormous pressure on holidays.

Everyone should get along.

Everyone should be happy.

Nobody should bring up that thing.

Good luck with that.

Thanksgiving is one day.

You don’t have to repair 20 years of family history between the turkey and the pumpkin pie.

You don’t have to change your sister.

You don’t have to defend every decision you’ve ever made.

You can love someone and disagree with them.

You can listen without fixing them.

And you can let somebody else have a feeling without making it your job to change it.

What Are You Bringing to the Table?

We spend a lot of time thinking about what we’re bringing to Thanksgiving.

Turkey.

Pie.

Flowers.

Whatever somebody forgot and texts you to pick up on the way.

But maybe there’s something else we can bring.

Our attention.

Listen without immediately telling someone what to do.Let somebody finish.

Stay curious a little longer.

And maybe the goal isn’t a perfect Thanksgiving.

Maybe it’s simply to show up without having already had 17 imaginary arguments.

Listen a little more.

Fix a little less.

Don’t get drunk and tell Aunt Susan what you’ve been thinking since 2004.

And when somebody inevitably says something that makes you want to lose every bit of progress you’ve made…take a breath.

Take another bite of pie.

And pass the turkey.

Not the judgment.