Responding Effectively to Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
Responding effectively to someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be challenging due to the intense emotions and unstable behaviors often involved. However, certain strategies can improve communication, reduce conflict, and support a healthier relationship. Here are some practical tips for interacting with a person who has BPD:
1. Stay Calm and Consistent
Remain calm: When emotions run high, it’s vital to remain calm. Your steadiness can help de-escalate the situation.
Consistency is key: Try to be consistent in your words and actions. Consistency provides a sense of stability and predictability, which can be comforting to someone with BPD.
2. Validate Their Feelings
Acknowledge their feelings: Even if you do not agree with the reasons, acknowledging the person’s feelings can be incredibly validating. Say things like, “I see you’re really upset,” or, “I can understand why that would make you feel sad.”
Avoid dismissing their emotions: Dismissing their feelings can lead to increased distress and feelings of being misunderstood or ignored.
You might say…
“I see that you’re really upset right now, and that’s okay. Let’s talk about what’s bothering you.”
“It sounds like you’re feeling really overwhelmed. Can you tell me more about what you’re experiencing?”
3. Set Clear Boundaries
Communicate your boundaries clearly: Clearly defined boundaries make interactions more predictable and less stressful. Be clear about what behavior you will not tolerate and what the consequences will be if those boundaries are crossed.
Enforce boundaries consistently: Once set, it’s important to stick to these boundaries. Consistency helps prevent manipulative behaviors and respects both your needs and those of the person with BPD.
You might say…
“I want to support you, but I cannot accept being yelled at. We can continue this conversation when we’re both calmer.”
“It’s important for me to be treated respectfully, just as I respect you. Let’s find a way to work through this together.”
4. Listen Actively
Give them your full attention: When conversing, show that you are listening and care about what they are saying. This can be through your body language, such as nodding and maintaining eye contact, and verbal affirmations.
Clarify if needed: If you’re unsure about what they mean, ask clarifying questions to show that you are engaged and to avoid misunderstandings.
Below are direct quotes you might consider using in the situation listed below.
Directly addressing the situation:
“Let’s pause this discussion right now.”
“We’re both upset, and continuing this isn’t helpful.”
Setting clear boundaries:
“This is not productive. We need to stop for now.”
“Yelling isn’t going to solve anything. Let’s both take a step back.”
Clarifying your stance without escalating:
“I’m not going to engage in this while we’re both upset.”
“I want to resolve this, but not like this—let’s calm down first.”
Expressing a need for a break:
“Let’s take a break and revisit this later.”
“I’m stepping away until we’re both calmer.”
Simple requests to de-escalate:
“Let’s try to keep our voices down.”
“Talk to me without the insults, please.”
“Can you help me understand what you meant when you said [repeat their words]? I want to make sure I’m hearing you correctly.”
“It sounds like this is really important to you. Let’s make sure I get it right.”
5. Manage Conflicts Thoughtfully
Stay solution-focused: When conflicts arise, try to focus on solutions rather than problems. Encourage discussion about how both of you can work together to resolve the issue.
Take a break if needed: If emotions become too intense, it’s okay to take a break from the conversation. You might say, “Let’s both take some time to cool down, and then we can continue this discussion.”
You might say…
“I think we’re both getting too heated. Let’s take a ten-minute break and come back to this discussion.”
“Let’s focus on solving this problem together. What are some steps we can both agree on to move forward?”
6. Encourage Responsibility
Support their efforts: Encourage them to take responsibility for their actions and to seek professional help if necessary. Praise their efforts to manage their symptoms.
Avoid enabling: While support is crucial, avoid behaviors that enable harmful patterns. This means not rescuing them from all consequences or shouldering responsibilities that should be theirs.
You might say…
“I’ve noticed you’ve been managing some things really well. What’s been helping you make those changes?”
“It’s important to work on these challenges consistently. How do you feel about getting some additional help with this?”
7. Seek Support for Yourself
Get support: Dealing with BPD can be draining. Ensure you have support, whether through therapy, support groups, or conversations with trusted friends or family.
Educate yourself about BPD: Understanding BPD better can prepare you for its challenges and help you respond more effectively.
Additional Support
Here are some additional direct, precise, and clear responses you might use when interacting with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) to communicate effectively while maintaining empathy and setting boundaries:
Expressing Support Without Enabling
“I care about you and your well-being, but I can’t make these decisions for you. What do you think would be the best next step for you?”
“I’m here to support you, but this is something you need to take responsibility for so you can grow from it.”
Providing Reassurance
“I’m here for you, even when things get tough. Let’s work through this together.”
“You’re not alone in this. I’m here to support you, but I also think it’s important we consider seeking more help together.”
These responses aim to communicate understanding and support while reinforcing healthy boundaries, which are crucial when interacting with someone with BPD.
Direct and Clear Communication
Asserting Presence and Commitment:
“Look at me—I am here, and I am not leaving. Let’s sort this out together.”
“I am not going anywhere. We can work through this, just like we have before.”
Taking Necessary Breaks:
“I need to take a short break to clear my head. This doesn’t mean I’m abandoning you; I’ll be back so we can continue discussing this.”
“I’m stepping out for a moment to calm down. It’s important for both of us to be in the right frame of mind to talk this through.”
Reaffirming Support Without Overstepping:
“I’m here to support you, not to solve this for you. What’s your next step?”
“I care about what happens to you, but you need to take the lead on this. How can I support you in that?”
Maintaining Boundaries:
“I understand you’re upset, and that’s okay, but we need to keep this conversation respectful.”
“I’m here to listen, but if things become too heated, we may need to pause this discussion for a bit.”
Encouraging Accountability:
“I see you’re really struggling with this. What are some ways you think might help you manage these feelings?”
“It’s important to address these feelings constructively. Let’s think about some steps you can take.”
These responses are designed to communicate stability and presence, reinforce boundaries, and encourage personal responsibility—all without falling into overly soothing or diminishing language. This approach respects the intensity of the emotions involved and acknowledges the individual’s capacity for self-regulation and problem-solving.
Conclusion
Interacting with someone who has BPD requires patience, empathy, and often professional guidance. While these strategies can be helpful, each situation is unique, and what works in one context may not be appropriate in another. It’s important to adapt these strategies to your specific circumstances and consider professional guidance to navigate complex situations.
This topic can be difficult and overwhelming but you are not alone! If you are struggling right now, let’s talk. You can book an in-person or virtual visit.
Email or call anytime to schedule an in-person or virtual session. (817) 701-5438 | beckylennox2018@gmail.com
Speaking Truth,
