The Lifelong Impact of Sibling Dynamics: From Childhood to Adulthood

Our siblings play a significant role in shaping who we are, influencing our behaviors, emotions, and relationships well into adulthood. The complex dynamics of sibling relationships, including enabling behaviors, rivalry, jealousy, and unresolved conflicts, can have profound effects on our adult lives. Understanding these influences can help individuals navigate their relationships more effectively and promote personal growth.

How We Revert Back to Our Childhoods

It’s common for adults to revert to childhood behaviors when interacting with their siblings. This phenomenon, known as “regression,” occurs because our earliest interactions with siblings form a blueprint for our future relationships. These are not the “roles” of the family but more the personality and behavioral traits you assumed: 

• Communication Patterns: If you were the peacemaker as a child, you might find yourself trying to mediate conflicts as an adult. We carry on the skills or lack of skills in communicating. Why do most couples come to counseling? LACK OF COMMUNICATION. 
  
• Conflict Resolution: Childhood roles often resurface during disagreements, leading to familiar patterns of argument and resolution. Conflict? You are what you learned as a child regarding conflict. Unless you acknowledge your downfalls and own them, this does not change in adulthood. It is not an easy road to travel, changing how we fight, disagree, and argue. It takes desire first and then comes the work and consistency. 
  
• Seeking Approval: If you were always trying to gain parental approval, you might find yourself seeking validation from your siblings or others in your adult life. You are not constantly wanting praise from your boss, co-workers, family, friends, and anyone you come in contact with. 
  
• Competition: If sibling rivalry was a big part of your childhood, you might still feel the need to compete with your siblings, even in subtle ways, such as comparing achievements or status. Most everything is a competition to you. You have a strong desire to win and are upset when you don’t. You take it personally and most times it is not your fault that you lost. You never allow someone to win just for the sake of being nice or offering grace. 
  
• Caretaking: If you were the caretaker for your younger siblings, you might continue to take on a caretaker role in your adult relationships, often putting others’ needs before your own. You find yourself worn out at the end of the day, wondering why you are so tired. You are “worried” about people and have crappy boundaries. You find it hard to ever say “no” . 
  
• Rebellion: If you were the rebel in the family, you might still find yourself pushing boundaries and resisting authority figures, including those within your family and workplace. You might be a bully or people might use you to fight their battles. You welcome a challenge and don’t shy away from breaking a rule or questioning authority. 
  
• Dependence: If you relied heavily on your siblings for support, you might still find it challenging to make decisions or take actions independently. You might wear your friends out with requiring too much from them and not understand why people want space from you. 
  
• Weakness: If you played the innocent kid who could not make a decision, you may remain to look at others to make decisions for you. You will not trust yourself to make a decision and overthink every decision you come across. People will walk on you! 
  
• Avoidance: If you tended to avoid conflict as a child, you might continue to shy away from difficult conversations and conflicts as an adult, leading to unresolved issues. Your significant other will accuse you of not connecting or caring. 
  
• Screw You: If you were the one who got mad and made a quick exit, you might still find yourself “getting the hell out of dodge” when you are angry, don’t get your way or have an intense fear of abandonment – you exit first so others can’t leave you. You are the one who might say, “I hate you but hold on, please stay.” Others might say it is like “walking on eggshells” to be around you. 
  
• Attention Seeking: If you were the one who always had to gain attention for your outrageous behaviors, you might still be on stage as if you are an actor in a play.
  
• Perfectionism: If you were the “prize child,” you are more than likely never allowing yourself to do less than perfect and hold yourself to a higher standard than others. You are stress ridden and won’t allow yourself to fail or have any flaws. 
  
• Aloof/Distant: If you felt you were better than your siblings or did not want to be associated with them, you will more than likely be judgmental and critical of others who don’t measure up to your expectations. You will distance yourself from individuals who you don’t find interesting or as successful. You don’t interact mush with family and when you do, you are not part of the fun or dynamics. 
  
• Dramatic: If you lived in a drama infested environment or you yourself found yourself in the center of drama, you continue to be in the middle of drama or find yourself always being drawn to drama. You will comment on the way there is always drama around you and you don’t realize you are the drama or are drawn to drama. 
• Victim: If you viewed yourself as a victim as a child and bad things always happened to you, guess what? You more than likely remain to see yourself as always getting the short end of the stick. You look around and you don’t have a lot of friends or people who want to hear about your sad stories. 
  
• Parent: You took responsibly for the absent parent and did it well. You tried your damned to fulfill everyone else’s needs. Today, you are still parenting. Your spouse, siblings, co-workers, friends, neighbors, etc. You at times can seem bossy. Many times, you can’t seem to put yourself first or your needs. People always needs you and it tends to be quite frustrating. 
  
• Advisor: You were the first kid the other kids ran to or even your parents who valued your advice, knowledge, and assistance. Today, it is still there loud and clear. People still run to you for advice, hoping you can solve their every problem. Problem is: if the solution goes south, it is now your fault. 
  
• Punisher: You were the kid who withdrew interaction, hit, kicked, slammed doors, or threw a fit until you got your way or the other individuals in your family just gave in. You are now the same punisher and want to get even with the people who you feel have done your wrong or have hurt you. It is called revenge and you are an expert in accomplishing this. You operate out of making others fear you: what you night say, do, or how make them suffer in some way. 
  
• Surrenderer: You were the kid who always let your brother or sister win. If it was new toy, car, candy, bigger apple, clothes, shoes, or whatever, you allowed your sibling to have what you probably wanted but did not feel you deserved or could not speak up. You now are okay with allowing others to have things you might want but don’t express your opinion or desire. You will give to others and not feel you have a right to be assertive and will allow others to get in the line first – ahead of you every time. 

These patterns can be constructive or destructive, depending on the nature of the interactions. Recognizing these tendencies allows us to address them consciously and foster healthier relationships.

This topic can be difficult to navigate but you are not alone! If you are struggling right now, let’s talk. You can book an in-person or virtual visit.

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Speaking Truth,