Picking Up the Pieces: Finding Love (and Yourself) After a Breakup or Divorce

Breakups suck. There’s no sugar-coating it. Whether it’s the end of a few months together or years of marriage, it feels like someone just yanked the rug out from under you—and then stomped on your heart for good measure. The plans you made? Gone. The person you thought you’d grow old with? Not happening. And now, here you are, staring at the shattered pieces of what used to be your life, wondering how the hell you’re supposed to put them back together.
Here’s the thing: you’re not supposed to have it all figured out right now. It’s time to feel the hurt. Sit in it. Wallow in it. Smell it, taste it, hear it. Let yourself be messy and human. This isn’t about slapping a “moving on” sticker over the wound and pretending it’s fine. It’s about breaking down before you can rebuild.
Feel It All—Every Gut-Wrenching Bit of It
It’s tempting to bury the pain under distractions—binge-watching Netflix, scrolling endlessly on your phone, or drowning yourself in wine and ice cream. But that stuff only numbs it. The pain doesn’t go anywhere—it just hides, waiting to sucker-punch you later.
So instead of running, face it head-on.
- Cry your eyes out until you’re out of tears.
- Listen to that heartbreak playlist on repeat.
- Write angry letters you’ll never send.
Feel it all: the anger, the sadness, the disbelief, and yes, even the loneliness. It’s going to hurt, and that’s okay. You’re not broken—you’re just breaking open.
Questions to Ask Yourself:
- What hurts the most right now? Why?
- What am I afraid to feel? Why?
- When I think about the relationship ending, what emotions come up? (Anger, sadness, relief, guilt?)
- What do I need to let myself feel without judgment?
Find Yourself in the Rubble
After the storm of emotions, there’s a quiet moment when you realize you’re still here. A little bruised, maybe, but alive. And now, it’s time to ask yourself the big questions:
- Who the hell am I without this relationship?
- What do I want, now that I’m not tied to “we”?
- What pieces of myself did I lose while trying to make this work?
This is where the rediscovery starts. Not in a big, dramatic way—but in little moments. Maybe it’s remembering how much you love blasting music while you clean the house or rediscovering a hobby you abandoned. Maybe it’s realizing you’ve been dressing for their taste, not yours, and reclaiming your style.
Bit by bit, you start to come back to life—not as someone’s partner, but as you.
Questions to Reflect On:
- What did I love doing before this relationship?
- What hobbies or passions did I put on hold?
- What kind of life do I want to create for myself now?
Blame, Ownership, and the Lessons You Don’t Want to Learn
Breakups often leave us pointing fingers—at our ex, ourselves, or even the universe. But blame is just a stepping stone to accountability.
Questions to Help Process Blame:
- Who or what am I blaming for the breakup?
- Am I blaming myself unfairly for things I couldn’t control?
- What do I think my ex could have done differently? Why does that matter to me?
- What would happen if I stopped assigning blame altogether and just sat with what is?
No matter how it ended, every relationship involves two people. Owning your part isn’t about beating yourself up—it’s about learning and growing.
Ask Yourself:
- What behaviors or patterns did I bring into the relationship that might have contributed to its challenges?
- Did I communicate my needs and boundaries clearly? Why or why not?
- Were there moments when I ignored red flags or my intuition? Why?
Rewrite What Love Means to You
Let’s get one thing straight: just because this relationship didn’t work out doesn’t mean love doesn’t exist, or that you’re unworthy of it. But it’s time to redefine what love means to you.
Love isn’t about losing yourself to keep someone else happy. It’s not about fixing someone, or them fixing you. It’s not about settling for crumbs of affection or ignoring red flags because you’re scared to be alone.
Real love adds to your life—it doesn’t become your whole life.
Questions to Reflect On:
- What did I learn about what I need from a relationship?
- What did I learn about what I have to offer in a relationship?
- What does healthy love look and feel like to me?
Move On When You’re Ready
Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting—it means learning the lessons and choosing to focus on your future instead of clinging to the past.
Steps to Take:
- Take yourself out for coffee and sit with your own company.
- Say yes to things you love—whether it’s a solo hike or a karaoke night with friends.
- Let yourself feel joy when it comes, even if it feels fleeting.
When the dust settles, love will find its way back to you—whether it’s in the form of a new relationship, deeper friendships, or simply falling in love with your own damn life.
The Bottom Line
Breakups are painful, but they’re also opportunities for growth and clarity. Feel the emotions, own your part, and slowly, steadily, put yourself back together.
Because at the end of the day, you’re the only piece you truly need.
If you are struggling right now, let’s talk. You are not alone and you don’t have to walk this road alone. You can book an in-person or virtual visit today.
Email or call anytime to schedule an in-person or virtual session. (817) 701-5438 | beckylennox2018@gmail.com

Speaking Truth,

CRT, CCDC, CACC | Life Coach & Counselor