Loving Them Enough to Let Them Struggle: Teaching Kids Strength Through Challenges

Your kids need to experience pain, suffering, disappointment, heartbreak, anger, resentment, love, kindness, acceptance—all of it. And they need to experience it while they’re still under your roof. Why? Because life is going to throw these feelings at them whether you like it or not, and the safest place for them to learn how to handle it is with you there to guide them.
You can’t fight their battles. You can’t shield them from every hurt or every consequence. What you can do is allow them to fall, feel it, and be there to support them when they do.
The Pendulum Swing: From Hard-Ass to Helicopter
I get it. A lot of us grew up with parents who were strict, distant, or “hard asses.” Maybe your dad was tough as nails, never letting you off the hook, and you remember thinking, “I’m not going to make my kids feel the way I did.”
So, what do we do? We swing to the opposite end of the pendulum. We coddle. We fix. We protect. We don’t want our kids to struggle, so we try to shield them from every disappointment and soften every consequence.
But here’s the thing: that doesn’t work either. Kids who are never allowed to fail don’t grow into confident, resilient adults—they grow into people who don’t know how to handle life.
Why Kids Need to Struggle
Let’s get this straight: your job isn’t to make your child’s life easy—it’s to prepare them for the real world. And in the real world, there are no safety nets, no free passes, and no one to clean up their messes.
When you allow your kids to experience failure, consequences, and tough emotions, you’re giving them the tools they need to thrive.
What They Learn When You Let Them Struggle:
- Accountability: They start to see that their choices have consequences—and blaming others won’t change that.
- Resilience: They learn how to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and try again.
- Emotional Intelligence: By feeling a range of emotions, they learn how to process and regulate them in healthy ways.
What Happens When You Shield Them?
Feeling sorry for your kids or making excuses for their behavior doesn’t help them—it hurts them. When you shield them from consequences or blame others for their mistakes, you send the message that they’re not capable of handling life on their own.
What This Creates:
- Victim Mentality: They learn to blame others for their problems instead of taking responsibility.
- Lack of Independence: They grow up relying on you to fix everything, leaving them unprepared for adulthood.
- Fear of Failure: If they’re never allowed to fail, they won’t know how to handle it when it inevitably happens.
How to Let Your Kids Struggle (and Why It’s Love)
- Let Them Feel It
When your child fails a test, gets benched at a game, or doesn’t get invited to a party, let them feel the disappointment. Don’t rush to fix it or distract them from the hurt. Instead, be there to listen and validate their feelings.
- “I know this is hard. It’s okay to be upset.”
- “What do you think you can do differently next time?”
- Stop Fighting Their Battles
You don’t need to call the teacher, the coach, or the other parent. Let your child handle the situation themselves. Teach them how to have those tough conversations and advocate for themselves. - Allow Consequences to Play Out
If they forget their homework, let them deal with the grade. If they don’t study, let them experience the test result. Consequences are the best teachers. - Don’t Make Excuses
Don’t blame the teacher, the coach, or the friend. Teach your child to own their mistakes and learn from them.
- “What could you have done differently?”
- “How can you make it better next time?”
- Be There, But Don’t Fix It
It’s your job to be supportive, not to solve everything. Let them know you’re there to help them process and brainstorm solutions, but you’re not there to rescue them.
The Reality Check
Yes, it’s hard to watch your child struggle. It’s even harder to let them fail. But loving them doesn’t mean protecting them from every hurt—it means preparing them to handle life’s challenges.
Remember:
- Kids need to experience the full range of emotions—pain, suffering, disappointment, anger, and yes, even failure—so they know how to navigate them as adults.
- Your role isn’t to shield them—it’s to guide them through.
- Feeling sorry for them or making excuses only sets them up for failure later on.
The Takeaway
Raising resilient, confident, and emotionally intelligent kids means letting them fall, struggle, and get back up again. It’s not easy, but it’s love.
Your kids will learn far more from their mistakes than from your interventions. Let them experience life in all its messy, beautiful, painful glory while they’re still under your roof—because that’s how they grow into capable, independent adults who can handle anything the world throws their way.
And who knows? Someday they might even thank you for it.
If you are struggling right now, let’s talk. You are not alone and you don’t have to walk this road alone. You can book an in-person or virtual visit today.
Email or call anytime to schedule an in-person or virtual session. (817) 701-5438 | beckylennox2018@gmail.com

Speaking Truth,

CRT, CCDC, CACC | Life Coach & Counselor