The Psychology of Cheating, According to Those Who Did It

Cheating hurts.

It doesn’t just hurt the person who was betrayed—it hits the kids, the family, the friendships. It unravels stability and changes the emotional wiring of every relationship it touches. I’ve seen this happen more times than I can count.

Over the years, I’ve sat with men and women—some ashamed, some still numb, others desperate to fix what they broke—trying to understand why they stepped outside of their relationship in the first place. And while there’s no one-size-fits-all answer, the patterns are loud. The pain is real. And the reasons, while never an excuse, are often rooted in loneliness, resentment, emotional starvation, or unresolved trauma.

But before I go any further, let me say this:

This Isn’t About Serial Cheaters

I’ve worked with those too—and they’re a different story. Serial cheaters are a different breed. They cheat not because something’s missing—but because chaos is their baseline. They don’t crave intimacy. They crave power, secrecy, and attention.

And let’s be honest—a lot of them are dealing with significant mental health issues or personality disorders. The diagnoses I’ve seen repeatedly in these cases include:

• Narcissistic Personality Disorder or strong narcissistic traits
• Borderline Personality Disorder (especially impulsivity, fear of abandonment,black-and-white thinking)
• Sex addiction or compulsive sexual behavior
• Avoidant, disorganized, or anxious attachment styles
• Unresolved childhood trauma and abandonment wounds
• Antisocial tendencies—lying, manipulating, lacking empathy
• Low self-worth hidden under arrogance or grandiosity
• Substance abuse that fuels impulsive decisions

They don’t want help. They want access.
They don’t want healing. They want control.
They’re not in my office doing the hard work—they’re usually manipulating their way into their next thrill.

So What Is Cheating, Really?

Let me be clear—cheating is anything you feel the need to hide.

If your partner saw the messages, the photos, the comments—would they be hurt? Would you feel guilty?
Would you try to explain it away?

Then it’s cheating.
I’ve seen every form of it:

• Emotional affairs that start through late-night texting
• Physical betrayal—one-night stands or long-term double lives
• Digital cheating—Snapchat, secret DMs, flirty likes
• Reconnecting with exes under the guise of “just talking”
• Micro-cheating—small choices that cross boundaries over timeIt all counts.

It all creates damage.
And it always starts the same way.

How It Starts

Cheating rarely kicks the door down. It slides in quietly, through the cracks.

1. Someone else starts getting the attention your partner used to get
2. The emotional intimacy builds where it doesn’t belong
3. They feel seen, heard, valued—and that becomes addictive
4. Boundaries shift: small secrets, private jokes, hidden messages
5. Justifications start rolling in—”I’m not happy, this doesn’t count, it’s harmless”
6. Then the moment happens—and the damage begins

I’ve heard it all:

“I felt invisible, and she made me feel alive.”
“I didn’t plan it. But I liked the attention.”
“I wanted to feel wanted again, just for a moment.” “He made me feel like a woman, not just a mom.” “It was like oxygen—until it wasn’t.”

Affairs Are Disneyland for Adults… Until They’re Not

The affair feels like an escape.
No bills. No dirty laundry. No kids vomiting or diapers to change. .

Just fun. Flirting. Passion. Fantasy. It’s Disneyland for adults.

There are no expectations…yet.
No parenting duties.
No long conversations about resentment or money. Just someone who makes you feel seen.

But it never stays that way.

Women Know Women

They know how to rattle the cage.
They know what buttons to push.
And if they want your man?
They know exactly how to get him caught.

Eventually…

They call.
They message you on Messenger.
They scroll your Instagram, “accidentally” like something.
They leave clues. They talk to mutual friends.
They don’t stay hidden—they make sure you feel their presence.

And if they’re feeling jealous, replaced, or rejected?

They go straight to you—because the goal is to blow up your relationship so they can walk in and “claim” what’s left.

And don’t be fooled—they love to talk.
To you. To their friends. To social media.
Because they weren’t just in an affair—they were in a power play.

I have also learned, especially when working with women who get stuck in affairs with men who won’t commit:
Men will move mountains if they truly want to be with you.
If a man wants you—really wants you—he won’t stay split between two lives.

You won’t have to beg, convince, wait, or decode his excuses.
He won’t sit comfortably in two worlds if his heart is really with you.

But the minute you start giving ultimatums, making demands, or asking for clarity, many of them run.
They say you changed.
They say you’re “pressuring” them.

They ghost, avoid, deflect, or throw guilt back at you.

Why?
Because a lot of men will play the part—until the rules of their game get questioned. And I’ve seen that play out again and again.

They’ll call, chase, flirt, text, and feed you a fantasy—until you ask for something real. Then suddenly you’re “too much,” “too emotional,” or “getting in the way of their life.”

I’ve worked with enough women in this position to know: It’s not love.
It’s control.
And it ends in devastation more times than not.

Now… the Cheater

The Medical Student Who Thought He Was Rescuing Her

He came into my office clean-cut, put together, and finishing med school. Smart. Driven. Engaged to a woman who had supported him for years.

But he had an affair—with a married nurse he worked with. He played in two different worlds…

“She said her husband was emotionally abusive,” he told me. “She said I was the only one who made her feel safe.”

He gave her money to leave.
He stayed up late texting, comforting, rescuing.
“She made me feel respected,” he said.
“She looked at me like I mattered. Like I was her hero.”

Then she ghosted him. Blocked his number. Stayed with her husband.

And he sat in my office torn to pieces—not because he got caught, but because he felt used. “I risked everything,” he said. “I don’t even know what was real.”

He wasn’t asking for pity.
He knew what he did was wrong.
But like a lot of people, he believed what he wanted to believe.

He ended up alone, trying to convince his devastated girlfriend to take him back…

The Woman Who Slept With a Married Man

She came in looking like she hadn’t left the house in days.
Baggy hoodie. Pale. Sunken eyes. No makeup. She was barely functioning.

She had been involved with a married man for nearly a year. And like so many others, she believed the lines:

“The marriage is over.”
“We’re just staying together for the kids.” “I’m leaving—just not yet.”

She held on to those lines like they were promises.

“I just wanted to be chosen,” she said. “And for a while, I was.”

But then the holidays came.
Birthdays. Family vacations. And he was still with his wife.

She felt disposable. Used.
Ashamed.

She wasn’t asking for sympathy.
She was asking how to recover from the lie she sold herself.

And here’s the truth:
People who get involved with married partners are usually desperate to feel special. They want to be the exception.
They want to be worth it.
They want to win.

But in the end, everyone loses.

Let’s Be Honest—Cheaters Lie

If you are capable of cheating, you are capable of lying. That’s the truth.

Individuals who cheat are liars.
They’re lying to their partner.
They’re lying to the person they’re having the affair with. And they’re lying to themselves.

There is a bolt in their head that came loose—somewhere, somehow—and they keep spinning around in justification, fantasy, or denial.

Can you trust a liar?
Can you trust someone who betrayed you?
Who betrayed your family?
Who broke your heart and still looked you in the eye?

It’s hard. But it’s not impossible.

Trust can be rebuilt. But it is the hardest damn work a couple will ever do.

It takes transparency. Humility. Accountability. Time. And sometimes? It still doesn’t come back.

But I’ve seen it happen.
I’ve seen affairs crack people open, force them to look at who they really are, and build something better—not because of the affair, but because of what they chose to do after it.

Affairs destroy. That’s the truth.
But they can also force people to rebuild with brutal honesty—if they’re willing to show up and do the work.

So no, I don’t excuse it.
And no, I don’t trust people easily after it.

But I have seen redemption.
I’ve seen couples come out stronger.
But not without pain. Not without owning every single part of the damage. Not without facing the liar in the mirror.

And for those who choose to stay, rebuild, and fight for something better—working hard with me in the room every step of the way—I have seen healing that is hard-earned, but real.

For those who choose to sever the ties—this too is a journey. One that demands honesty, healing, and a brutal commitment to never lose yourself again.