Why You Keep Getting Triggered (and How to Take Your Power Back)
Do you ever wonder why the smallest thing can set you off? Why you snap at your partner, lose patience with your kids, or shut down after talking to a parent — even though you swore you wouldn’t react that way again?
You’re not alone. I see it every day in my practice. And here’s the truth most people don’t realize: your childhood doesn’t just disappear once you’re an adult. It lives in your nervous system, shaping how you react, what you believe about yourself, and how you show up in relationships today.
This month, I’m offering a guided series using The Adult Chair model to help people finally understand their triggers and change the way they respond. Together, we’ll uncover why these reactions show up, what they’re trying to tell you, and how to create new patterns that actually work for you — not against you.
What Triggers Really Are
A trigger is anything — a word, look, smell, sound, touch, memory, or situation — that pulls you back into an old emotional wound.
The key is this: triggers stem from emotions that started years ago.
- Shame
- Fear
- Abandonment
- Not feeling good enough
- Being controlled or dismissedWhen that buried emotion gets poked, your body reacts like you’re right back in that moment as a kid.
The Little Kid in Us
When we’re triggered, it’s not our grown‐up self responding. It’s the little kid in us.
- Your child rolls their eyes, and suddenly you feel disrespected — the same way you did as a kid when your voice didn’t matter.
- Your spouse forgets to call, and you feel abandoned, just like when you were left waiting.
- Your mom criticizes your parenting, and that old “I’ll never be good enough” wound lights up.
On the outside, you look like an adult. On the inside, it’s the child version of you running the show. And children don’t reason — they react.
Why Triggers Don’t Just Go Away With Age
Your nervous system doesn’t care how old you are. It stores the emotional experiences of your childhood like files in a cabinet. And those files don’t magically disappear when you turn 18.
If you grew up believing…
I’m not good enough,
I’ll be abandoned,
I’m not safe,
My feelings don’t matter,
…those beliefs get wired into your nervous system. So when something in your present even resembles those early experiences, your body reacts like it’s happening all over again. Until you:
Identify the trigger,
Own the emotion underneath it,
Feel it in your body,
And work through the belief tied to it,
…you’ll keep repeating the same patterns. You can’t outthink your triggers. You have to feel them, understand them, and then choose differently.
How Your Nervous System Gets Involved
Your nervous system is your body’s built‐in alarm system. Its job is to keep you safe. The problem is, it doesn’t always know the difference between real danger and something that only feels dangerous.As a child, your nervous system kept track of what felt threatening — being yelled at, ignored, left alone, criticized, or shamed. Each time it happened, your body logged it: This is unsafe. Protect yourself.Now, as an adult, your nervous system still fires the same alarm when something even remotely resembles those old experiences.
- In marriage/partnerships: Your partner forgets to call when they’re running late. You don’t just get annoyed — you spiral into panic or anger because your body remembers the feeling of being left behind.
- With your kids: Your teenager rolls their eyes or shuts the door too hard. You explode — not because of the door, but because it touches the same “you don’t respect me” wound you carried as a child.
- At work: A supervisor says, “Let’s talk about this project.” Instantly, your stomach knots. You’re back in school hearing, “You didn’t do it right,” even if today’s feedback is positive.
- With parents: Your mom makes a “helpful suggestion” about your parenting. Your chest tightens and irritation spikes — that same old “I’ll never measure up” tape playing again.
- In friendships: A friend cancels plans last minute. On the surface, no big deal. But your body reacts heavy, your thoughts spiral, and you wonder if you even matter.
These responses are automatic. Your body reacts before your brain has time to process. That’s why triggers feel so fast and intense.
What Happens in Your Brain When You’re Triggered
When you get triggered, your brain and nervous system kick into survival mode.
The Amygdala: The Smoke Alarm
The amygdala scans for danger 24/7. When something reminds you of an old threat, ityells, “Danger!” even if the threat isn’t real.
The Frontal Cortex: Logic Goes Offline
This part of your brain handles rational thinking and problem‐solving. But when youramygdala hijacks the show, your frontal cortex shuts down. That’s why in the heat of a trigger, you can’t “just calm down” or “be logical.”
Sympathetic Nervous System: Fight‐Flight‐Freeze Mode
Your body floods with adrenaline and cortisol. Heart racing. Muscles tightening.Breathing shallow. You’re ready to fight, run, or freeze — even if you’re just sitting at the dinner table.
Why the Body Remembers
Trauma and old wounds leave emotional imprints. So when the present even slightlyresembles the past, your body reacts as if it’s happening again.
Parasympathetic Nervous System: The Brake Pedal
This is the calming side of your nervous system. It eventually steps in to slow thingsdown — but if you’re often triggered, your system may stay stuck in high gear, leaving you tense and on guard.
Working through triggers isn’t just about “thinking differently.” It’s about retraining your nervous system so your Adult self — with your frontal cortex fully online — can take the wheel.
Why We Run Toward Familiar Pain
One of the hardest truths is that we don’t always choose what feels good — we choose what feels familiar.
- If you grew up around criticism, your system is wired to expect it — and you’ll hear it even when it’s not there.
- If abandonment was part of your story, a canceled plan can feel like proof you’re not wanted.
- If you grew up in chaos, peace can feel uncomfortable — and you may unknowingly stir up conflict just to feel “normal.”
Familiar equals safe to your nervous system, even when it’s painful. That’s why triggers are so sneaky: they’re habits of automatic thought and behavior that keep replaying until you notice them.
The Adult Chair Connection
In The Adult Chair model, Michelle Chalfant describes three parts of us:
- The Child: where old wounds, emotions, and unmet needs live.
- The Adolescent: where our defenses, control, and protectors show up.
- The Adult: where truth, clarity, and choice live.
When you’re triggered, you slide out of your Adult Chair and right into the Child or Adolescent.
- The Child feels the hurt.
- The Adolescent reacts — lashing out, shutting down, avoiding.
- The Adult observes, names the trigger, and chooses a different response.
The goal isn’t to never be triggered again. That’s impossible. The goal is to recognize when you’re triggered and bring your Adult self back in.
How to Work Through a Trigger
1. Notice it.
Pause and name it: “I just felt dismissed when he said that.”
- Find it in your body.
Tight chest? Knot in your stomach? Racing thoughts? Your body keeps score. - Name the emotion underneath.
Anger, fear, shame, rejection, not feeling good enough. - Remind yourself you’re safe.
This is not then. This is now. I’m safe. I’m an adult. - Get curious.
Where have I felt this before? What does this remind me of? - Choose your Adult response.
Take a breath. Walk away. Speak calmly. Or say, “I need a moment.” - Reflect later.
Journal: What triggered me? How did I handle it? How do I want to respond next time?
Go-To Phrases in the Heat of the Moment
- This is an old wound, not my current reality.
- My body feels unsafe, but the truth is I am safe.
- I get to choose how I respond — I’m not powerless.
- This is a chance to heal, not a reason to shut down.
Quick Self‐Quiz: Know Your Triggers
Take five minutes and write your answers:
- When was the last time I reacted way bigger than the situation called for?
- What emotion did I feel under the surface — fear, shame, anger, rejection, not being good enough?
- Where did I feel it in my body?
- What does this remind me of from childhood or past experiences?
- If I had paused and responded from my Adult, what could I have done differently?
Real Stories from My Clients
Here’s what some of my clients have shared after working through this process with me:
“I thought my childhood was a thing of the past, but it wasn’t — it was still living inside me. Working through this helped me understand myself in a way I never had before.”
“For the first time, I have techniques I can use when I get triggered. I don’t feel controlled by my reactions anymore.”
“I always believed something was just ‘wrong’ with me. Now I see it’s about what I lived through and how I learned to protect myself. That shift alone has changed how I see myself.”
Ready to Stop Living Triggered?
If you’re tired of reacting out of old wounds and want to finally take your power back, I’d love to guide you through this process. Using The Adult Chair as a framework, we’ll work together to uncover your triggers, understand where they come from, and give you practical tools to respond differently.
You don’t have to keep repeating the past. You can learn to respond from your Adult self and finally live in the present.
If this speaks to you, reach out today — let’s start your work toward freedom from triggers.
