Entitled Kids…Do you have one?
What is it? What has caused so many kids to be entitled today? You tell your child “no” and immediately, fits are thrown, negotiations begin, the harassing starts, and you ask yourself, “How did my child become such a spoiled brat?”
Parents today are typically working long hard days. They are exhausted and are “stressed to the max”. They want their kids to “have more than they did” as children. Parents say, “it feels good” to give to their kids. Modern technology has forced our society into a world of texting, emails, internet, cell phones, laptops, and devices of many kinds. We can seek and gain anything we want with a tap of a finger or click of a button. We are not accustomed to waiting for much in our lives…and neither are our kids.
We live in a world that is geared around instant gratification and an entirely different set of expectations than we had growing up. We knew how to wait, because we had to. We didn’t ask for high dollar items because most of our parents would not dream of purchasing them anyway. Our world is different than most of us remember it being we when were kids…
The good news is that parents can change the pattern of “I want so I get” with their children at any time. If you find your child isn’t appreciating what you’re giving him or doing for him and is acting increasingly spoiled, you can learn the age-old skill of saying “no” and not giving in. You can learn how to pause and say no when your child asks for something. This skill is generally sought after by parents who have had enough of the entitlement – they love their child but despise their behaviors. Parents who finally realize they are not in charge, and sadly, their child is.
I don’t now one parent who looks at their infant and promises them, “I give you my word I will spoil you and give you everything your little heart desires.” To the contrary, we want to raise grateful appreciative children, and developing an entitled child happens over time. It sneaks up on us and then, we start seconding guessing ourselves. Stop second guessing yourself! There are several ways you can turn back time in a sense and instill new behaviors. It takes consistency, strength, stamina, time, effort and perseverance but most of all, you have to be sick and tired of the entitlement consuming your child.
The Beginning of the Journey…
Buckle up…Start with statements that your child will either not believe, not listen to, or disregard. Yes, do it anyway. Be direct and clear that things are going to change in the home and they are going to hear “no” more often and tell them why. Taking the blame for some of the problem allows the child to know that you do have the guts to make changes as well as taking accountably for being “weak”, “wanting you (the child) to be happy”, “allowing this problem to get way too big”, or financial reasons. You have now put the child on notice and can later say, “I am sure you remember the conversation we had regarding things were going to be different and I was going to tell you ‘no’ more often” the next time they are asking, begging, or bullying you into buying them something.
The Fight Is On…
A “fight” may be an argument, discussion, a “what is wrong with you?” from your child, or questions wanting justification. DO NOT GO THERE. You are the parent. You do not need to explain, justify, argue, debate, or convince your child of anything. Be specific about how you’re going to handle the situation with your child. Depending on the age of your kid, you might say, “If you scream, yell or curse at me, there’s going to be a consequence for your behavior.” The bottom line is that if your child acts out when denied what she wants, whether her behavior is mild, moderate or severe, you need to acknowledge the problem and change the way you, as a parent, respond. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Make no mistake, it’s critical that you not give in when your child acts out. Giving in only proves to the child that the behavior has worked.
Remind and Reiterate…
Let your kids know that they can’t threaten and misbehave to get things. “Last time I said no, you threw a fit and ended up not being able to go to your friend’s house because of your behavior. So, the next time I say no, you might ought to think about throwing another fit. Are you going to act out again or are you going to handle it better so that you’ll have a better weekend?”
You Are not Running for “Friend of the Year” …
Your child is not your friend! Parenting must not be a popularity contest. When “no” has begun and your child sees you mean it, you will witness drama in some way. A fit, pouting, crying, calling you names, slamming doors, etc. There will be anger, disappointment, and sometimes rage. Whatever the behavior might be, the acting a fool behavior should never change your response and you must not give in. Try not to get caught up in the moment when your child is begging, pleading and yelling, because you will lose your perspective. You may want to just step away from the situation and take some time to consider your response. Don’t get drawn into a debate with your child. You need to stay firm, say no and not engage in a heavy-duty teary discussion about it with your child.
Keep Your Eye On The Prize…
It’s going to feel awkward and not pleasant at first to say “no” or not give in like you have in the past. Kids are little attorneys and they can argue, rebuttal, justify, and break you down when they want something bad enough. They also are excellent in finding our buttons to push and generally, the button most kids zone in on is the guilt button. Sticking with “no” is not easy but it does get easier over time because your child will learn what the rules are. It will feel good and you can gain some self-respect back knowing you stood up for yourself and rules and have instilled some healthy boundaries with your child.
Know that your child will relapse into the old behavior at times, but you are stronger than you think you are and can gain respect by being consistent. Kids actually feel safer and better about themselves when there are limits and boundaries and they are respected. Kids know when they are acting out and they will become more self-assured when they realize they can follow the rules and boundaries.
Catch Them When You can…
Catch your child in a positive moment or behavior. When you see your child starting to take the word “no” better, acknowledge it! Give him some credit or reinforce it when he’s thanked you for something or handled a disappointment well. Compliment your child but not to the point that you jump in the car and go buy the latest iPhone he has been wanting. It’s also important to realize that empathy is something that develops over time in children. They are not born with the “thankful” or “grateful” gene. We must teach them and reinforce a sense of gratitude whenever we see it.
Cause and Effect…
Kids need to learn what most of our parents or fist bosses made us learn…Earn it. With older kids, you can talk with them about other options for getting what they want. They can babysit, pet sit, mow lawns, or get a part-time job. You might decide to give your younger kids a small allowance if that works for your family. When children can earn things for themselves, it gives them a dose of reality and it helps with their own feelings of self-respect. Part of your role as a parent is to teach your child how to work to earn things. In this way, you’re teaching responsibility and preparing your kids for real life.
Use Your Common Sense…
It is very basic. If someone is continually giving or giving in all the time, the receiver is not being taught how to be self-sufficient, responsible, or respectful. It is no different with kids. It’s worth imagining what a child who grows up this way will be like as an adult. Take a few minutes to imagine a spoiled child as an adult. A partner, employee, citizen, or a friend. Will they be contributing to society in a healthy way and can they take care of themselves and or a family? We all desire to raise healthy, happy, successful, functional kids. This takes having the guts to say “no” when needed and not giving in because it is easier.
