Boundary issues are the most difficult to deal with at the family level. Yes, family.
This means, grandparents, mommy, daddy, siblings, extended family, adult children, and younger children. Boundaries feel uncomfortable and painful for all of us if we have not practiced this skill.
Most people are based in fear.
Fear of rejection, loss, not being liked, rejected, or not included. Setting personal boundaries can escalate these fears.
Crappy personal boundaries with family generally means you struggle with the same crappy boundaries with your intimate relationships.
Experiencing a relationship that feels like a roller coaster of emotions is a good sign you have the gift of poor boundaries.
When things are good, they are spectacular; when things are bad, they are a nightmare. There is an almost-predictable oscillation between the two—two weeks of bliss, followed by one week of hell, followed by a month of bliss, followed by a horrible breakup and then a dramatic reunion. It’s a hallmark of a codependent relationship and usually represents two people incapable of strong personal boundaries.
Poor Boundaries and Neediness – Two Peas in a Pod
People lack boundaries because they have a high level of neediness or codependency. People who are needy or codependent have a desperate need for love and affection from others. To receive this love and affection, they sacrifice their identity and remove their boundaries – not appealing or attractive.
People who blame others for their own emotions and actions do so because they believe that if they put the responsibility on those around them, they’ll receive the love they’ve always wanted and needed. If they constantly paint themselves as a victim, eventually someone will come to save them.
People who take the blame for other people’s emotions and actions are always looking to save someone. They believe that if they can “fix” their partner, then they will receive the love and appreciation they’ve always wanted. This is BS and I see it every single day in my office.
Predictably, these two types of people are drawn strongly to one another as if it is a marriage made in Heaven.
Their pathologies match one another perfectly. Two broken people don’t come together and make each other whole. Most of the time these two people have grown up with parents who each exhibit one of these traits. Their model for a “happy” relationship is one based on neediness and crappy boundaries.
Ironically, they both fail completely in meeting the other’s needs.
In fact, they both only serve to perpetuate the neediness and low self-esteem that is keeping them from getting their emotional needs met. The victim creates more and more problems to solve and the saver solves and solves, but the love and appreciation they’ve always needed are never actually transmitted to one another.
Now, what do we do about it? You’ve recognized where you might fall on the healthy boundary spectrum, so now let’s dive into where and how it all began…Healthy Boundaries 101! CLICK HERE to read more.
Interested in more? I would love to meet to you! Email or call anytime to schedule an in-person or virtual session. (817) 701-5438 | firstname.lastname@example.org
CRT, CCDC, CACC | Counselor & Life Coach