Rethinking Sibling Connections: Building Stronger and Healthier Relationships
We carry the influences and interactions from our families throughout our lives, bringing these dynamics into our adult relationships as we’ve discussed in Sibling Dynamics: The Lifelong Influence of Brothers and Sisters. Now, let’s talk about how to keep strong, healthy relationships with our siblings.
Despite the challenges, siblings can create healthy relationships that offer unique support and understanding. Here are some uncomplicated practical ways to foster these connections:
- Keep the Conversation Flowing: Be honest about your feelings and thoughts to avoid misunderstandings.
- Respect Boundaries: Give each other personal space and respect each other’s limits. Set boundaries when needed to maintain a healthy relationship.
- Share the Load: Make sure responsibilities and support are balanced fairly among everyone.
- Walk in Their Shoes: Show compassion and try to understand things from each other’s perspective.
- Cheer Each Other On: Celebrate successes together and provide emotional support during tough times.
- Love Unconditionally: Embrace each other as you are, with no strings attached. This does not mean you have to agree with them or their lifestyle. Just accept them with your own boundaries.
- Ask for Help: Don’t hesitate to reach out to your siblings for emotional support when you need it. Be vulnerable and honest.
- Keep Things Confidential: Respect each other’s privacy by keeping shared information confidential.
- Offer Emotional Support: Be there for each other emotionally, offering a shoulder to lean on.
- Provide a Safe Space: Make your home a welcoming place for your siblings’ kids to hang out.
- Help Out: Offer to babysit or help with date nights to give your siblings a break.
- Take Judgment Out of the Mix: Approach situations with an open mind, free of judgment.
- Avoid Family Drama: Stay out of family conflicts and don’t get involved in drama.
- Steer Conversations: If mom or dad starts asking inappropriate questions or snooping, gently steer the conversation elsewhere.
- Be Direct: If there’s a conflict or misunderstanding, address it honestly and directly.
- Don’t Add Fuel to the Fire: Make an effort to avoid sliding into past negativity and don’t add to the drama.
- Be Different: Choose to be different from how you were as a child if you added negativity into the family.
- Communicate Clearly with Parents: Be direct about what your parents might need and don’t assume your siblings already know.
- Get to Know Each Other Anew: Don’t assume your sibling is still the same individual they were when you were younger. Take the time to listen and get to know them as they are now.
- Don’t Make Assumptions: You may think you know how the others feel, what needs to happen, and what needs to be done—ask them instead.
- Don’t Try to Change Anyone: Guess what? You can’t change people. Give up that idea and focus on yourself, boundaries, self-control, honesty, communication, and acceptance.
- Don’t share too much. We all know what “too much” is when communicating with our siblings. Be concise when need be and don’t overshare to the point it causes drama or unnecessary worry or regret later.
By focusing on these positive behaviors, siblings can build strong, supportive, and loving relationships that enrich their lives.
- Unequal Gifts: Giving money or gifts to one child over another without explanation.
- Negative Comments: Sharing dislikes about one child with another.
Favoritism can lead to resentment and rivalry, making it tough for siblings to stay close.
Parenting Styles
How parents raise their kids can shape sibling relationships significantly. Different styles have different impacts:
- Authoritative and Permissive Styles: These styles usually lead to closer, more supportive sibling relationships.
- Authoritarian and Neglectful Styles: These styles often result in less close and supportive sibling bonds.
Parents who mix warmth with clear boundaries tend to encourage healthier sibling relationships.
Labeling and Promoting Roles
Parents can unintentionally polarize siblings by assigning roles or labeling them. For example:
- Role Assignment: In high-conflict families, siblings might get stuck in roles like the youngest needing protection or the oldest taking on the most responsibility.
- Resentment: These roles can cause resentment, tension, and unfair distribution of responsibilities.
Encouraging children to break free from these roles can help them develop more balanced relationships.
Triangulating
Parents might create tension by passing information between siblings, involving one in their personal issues, or asking for secrecy. This can:
- Create Mistrust: Lead to mistrust and tension among siblings.
- Fuel Conflict: Increase the chances of sibling rivalry and conflict.
Parents should avoid dragging one child into conflicts related to another to keep the family dynamic harmonious.
Fostering Healthy Sibling Relationships
Parents can help their kids build strong relationships by addressing grievances without trying to fix everything. Here are some ways to promote healthier sibling bonds:
- Encouraging Communication: Promote open and honest conversations among siblings.
- Setting Boundaries: Help siblings set and respect each other’s boundaries.
- Promoting Fairness: Treat all children equally and avoid favoritism.
- Acknowledging Feelings: Validate each sibling’s feelings and perspectives during conflicts.
Additional Tips for Parents
We all know it, right? We do discuss our parents with our siblings. If you don’t think your kids are doing the dame, think again.
- Stay Out of the Drama: Parents, stay out of your adult kids’ drama. This is toxic, and you will not win. Stating an opinion when it is not warranted will only stir up drama within the family or within your child’s family.
- Respect Boundaries: Daughter-in-laws or sons-in-law don’t have to like or love you. They normally don’t forget ill words or a mother-in-law who is so far up her kid’s ass that the kid has no idea of their identity. Let your kids live their life. You raised them, and the raising is over.
- Keep Opinions to Yourself: Keep your opinions to yourself unless both parties ask for it. We all know people fight and get back together, so don’t say something you’ll regret later.
- Set Boundaries: Set boundaries with your adult kids. Do not allow them to use you, abuse you, make demands on you, or threaten you with not seeing the grandkids.
- Know You Can Say “No”: When it comes to babysitting, helping, or raising their kids, remember that you can say “no.” They are the parents, and you are the grandparent.
- Don’t Boss Your Kids About Parenting: If asked for advice, give it. If you see something that warrants a discussion, address it immediately without the grandkids present. For serious issues like drugs, drinking while driving, or unsafe behaviors, draw a firm boundary and state that you will contact authorities if the behavior continues. For non-dangerous behaviors you disagree with, you have the right to remove yourself and set boundaries.
- Be Direct About Boundaries: Don’t go on and on about an issue. You’re not a preacher. State a boundary and stick to it.
- Stay Neutral and Keep the Peace: If you don’t like your daughter or son-in-law, keep your opinions to yourself. Running your mouth can lead to being cut out of the family. Be the bigger person.
- Don’t Take Sides: Don’t take a son-in-law’s or daughter-in-law’s side unless there is danger or outrageous behavior. Address the issue with your child and draw a boundary if necessary. Don’t take side of one kid against the other…it is toxic and you will become the bad guy if you do it.
- Don’t Talk Crap About Your Kid to Their Sibling: If you talk badly about one child to another, they’ll realize you might be doing the same about them behind their back. This will erode trust.
- Martyrs Are Not Attractive: Acting like a martyr can backfire. Your kids are likely talking behind your back, and this behavior fosters resentment.
- Get Out of Your Comfy Armchair: Interact with your adult kids and grandkids. No matter how old, tired, or “it’s just me” you feel, get up and spend quality time with them. You’re missing out on precious moments.
- Assumptions Are Not Healthy: If your feelings are hurt or you’re feeling a certain way, communicate this to your child. Don’t assume they know what you’re feeling or why you’re acting a certain way.
- Don’t assume their Roles from Childhood are Permanent: Roles change and so do people but not if they don’t want to change. Try to see you kids in a new light and don’t always treat them as you did when they were younger. Get to know your adult kids in a different light. They are grown now and they have added as well as deleted things in their personalities and behaviors.
- Don’t share your grown-up problems with your kids: Your kids are grown-up but they are not. Sharing your concerns, bitches, complaints, and problems about your spouse, ex, current squeeze, or friends. Your financial issues are not for you to concern your kids. Your fights should be private. There are boundaries even with adult kids. Insure you have them. Not having boundaries with your kids can come back and haunt you in a variety of different ways.
- Don’t Bad Mouth Your Kids Parent: They remain to their blood. No matter what they have done, who they have screwed over, or whoever they have hurt. Keep your mouth shut. Don’t share these opinions with any of your kids. Be the bigger person. If the parent is an ass, you already all realize this.
This topic can be difficult to navigate but you are not alone! If you are struggling right now, let’s talk. You can book an in-person or virtual visit.
Email or call anytime to schedule an in-person or virtual session. (817) 701-5438 | beckylennox2018@gmail.com
Speaking Truth,
