Speak Without Words: Using Body Language To Discipline Your Kids
As a therapist with a background in child and adolescent behavior and development, I’ve seen firsthand how powerful body language can be in communicating with children. Body language, defined as the non-verbal signals we use to communicate, includes facial expressions, gestures, posture, and eye contact. These cues play a crucial role in how we interact with others, often conveying more than our words alone. For both kids and adults, understanding and effectively using body language can enhance communication, build trust, and improve relationships.
Most of us know “the look”—the one our parents gave us that made us stop in our tracks. I’ve witnessed countless kids in my office who have learned to act out while their parents ineffectively repeat, lecture, beg, and threaten with words that have lost their impact.
While I respect the theories, research, case studies, and techniques in the field, I also believe the “old school” method of using body language and fewer words is a lost art. This approach can catch a child’s attention, redirect behaviors, foster connection, and allow both parent and child a moment to pause and think.
Understanding the Power of Body Language
Why Body Language Matters
Anyone who has children, had children, work with children or are around children for any length of time know how much we waste our words and wear ourselves out…like a “broken record”. How many times have you known the child is not listening and tuning you out? You are right, many times, the child is not listening and does not plan on doing so any time soon.
We resort to many different techniques or normally, we just end up doing the same thing over and over again…repeating the same patterns regarding our kids…. isn’t this insane? In my experience, many parents are missing the boat when it comes to an extremely easy way in discipling kids. Body language.
Body language includes facial expressions, gestures, posture, and eye contact. These non-verbal cues can reinforce what we say (or not say), making our messages clearer and more impactful. Children, especially young ones, are highly perceptive to these cues and often respond to them more than to verbal instructions.
Tips for Using Body Language with Your Kids
1. Make Eye Contact
Maintaining eye contact shows your child that you are attentive and engaged. It conveys respect and importance, making them feel valued. When disciplining, ensure you are at their eye level to create a connection and show empathy. Eye contact translate to “she/he must mean it” or “I (or what I am doing) matters.” to a child.
2. Use Open Gestures
Open gestures, such as spreading your arms or nodding, indicate openness and acceptance. These gestures can make your child feel more comfortable and willing to share their thoughts and feelings. In discipling, gestures are vital in communication. Hands on your hips… one hip cocked…you get what I mean.
3. Mind Your Posture
Your posture can reflect your attitude. Standing tall and leaning slightly towards your child shows confidence and interest. Avoid crossing your arms or turning away to grab your phone, keep scrolling on your phone, texting, or talking to others will signal disinterest, defensiveness, or “I really don’t care what you are doing or saying.”
4. Facial Expressions Matter
Your facial expressions should match the tone of your message. A warm smile can encourage your child, while a serious look can emphasize the importance of a disciplinary point. Be mindful of your expressions to ensure they align with your words. Kids learn facial expressions as infants, it is their first step in learning communication.
Incorporating Body Language in Discipline
1. Stay Calm and Collected
When disciplining, your body language should convey calmness and control. Taking deep breaths and maintaining a steady posture can help diffuse tension and model self-regulation for your child. You may need to pinch yourself till you bleed or clinch your jaw till it spazzes out but don’t allow your child to see that you are more of a basket case than they are.
2. Use Gentle Touch
A gentle touch on the shoulder or back can reassure your child and show that you care, even when you are correcting their behavior. This physical connection can help them feel supported and understood. This can also be used as discipline: Guiding a child to a location away from the negative behavior or away from trying to kill his brother. When my kids were little, I would touch an ear and they knew this was a sign to immediately stop the nonsense or they were going to be removed and exclusion would take place.
3. Set Boundaries with Firm Gestures
While being calm, it’s important to be firm. Use clear, confident gestures to set boundaries. Pointing to a specific area or placing your hand out to signal “stop” can reinforce your verbal instructions effectively. If kids don’t know the gesture of stop, teach them.
4. The Hesitation Technique
Hesitation is a powerful tool in any situation, at any age. Stating a name, then hesitating, allows the other person to know you are intentional and thoughtful with your words. For example, saying, “Abby… pause… I know you heard me… pause… you can have one cookie.” Using eye contact and a serious face with these words, a child comes much closer to feeling you are serious than if you were to say, “Abby, what did I tell you?” while scrolling on your phone. Hesitation or pausing is an attention-getter. By pausing, the child reads the importance of what you are saying and can decide to comply or not.
When the choice is not to comply, one suggestion is to say, “Looks like I am taking the cookies (and their cookie) and putting them up.” Using calmness, take the cookies and nonchalantly put them up without another word. If Abby then throws a fit, take her by the hand and guide her to her room. Upon leaving her room, share with her that she is to stay put for 5 minutes or the timer will be increased. Set your timer on your phone where she can observe you. If she continues to scream or comes out of her room, increase the time while sitting in the doorway. Your body language must appear calm, irritated but not mad, and convey that “I can sit here all night” if necessary. Eye-to-eye contact is recommended here. A nonchalant stare communicates to the child that you are not going to get overly excited. If she continues, the look of “really?” along with the verbiage “really?” works wonders. This is not easy in the heat of the moment, but in this case, silence is golden. Parents often over-explain, over-justify, and over-lecture, which does not work.
5. The Stare Down Technique
The “stare down” can be incredibly effective in discipline. When a child misbehaves, giving them a calm, steady stare can speak volumes. This is the stare your child hopes you will break soon, the one that communicates “are you kidding me right now” or “surely you did not just do that.” Keeping the stare and not breaking can convey your message without a single word.
This look can come in handy later when the stare is learned. In public places, when your kid is embarrassing you, when you want to “jerk a knot” in them, when you are humiliated, or when you need them to redirect their behaviors at an important event—like a wedding or church—the stare can be invaluable. Yelling at your child in one of these situations will likely not go over well and can even result in your child being labeled as a brat that you have no control over. Trust me, people do think this.
6. The Time Game
Showing your child that you have all the time in the world (even if you don’t) to see this through actually represents the importance of the behavior to you. It demonstrates what you will not tolerate and what you will not allow. By being willing to sit there calmly and increase the time as needed, you communicate the seriousness of the situation. For example, if your child continues to misbehave, calmly increasing the time they need to stay in their room while maintaining a composed demeanor shows that you are committed to enforcing boundaries. This patience and persistence can be far more effective than losing your temper or giving up. This will only take a couple of times, trust me.
7. Walking Away
Walking away can be extremely difficult. As parents, we all have the “something might happen” gene built into our core. We don’t want to leave little Stevie alone for a second because there are so many horrible things we’ve heard about on TV that have happened to kids. Trust me, most of us at some point in our parenting have also wanted to leave little Stevie in his fit of terror, hoping it will scare him enough to stop his ridiculous behavior.
I remember when my son was 4 years old. One morning he was insistent that he was not going to put on his uniform for school. As usual, I had laid it all out for him the night before, and for some reason, this morning, he was not having the uniform. As he stood butt-naked in his room telling me he was “not in the mood for my uniform,” I calmly picked up his uniform, underwear, socks, and shoes (right in front of him), got his sister, put her in the car, placed my irritated butt in the driver’s seat, turned on the car, and pulled out of the driveway. I circled the block only to return to a butt-naked 4-year-old in the garage with the garage door open, screaming at the top of his lungs. I said, “Get in the car.” I buckled him into his booster seat butt-naked while he was screaming for the uniform, he had informed me a few minutes before that he was not going to wear. I calmly drove to school while he continually begged for the uniform and shoes. You know the, “I want to wear it now” saga. I calmly responded, “You don’t have to wear the uniform, Will…pause…you can go to school…pause…just how you are.” Total silence. We got to school, I got out of the car, and took his younger sister into the school. I returned to the car with him crying. I asked him if he was ready to put the uniform on, and he was happy to do so. This never happened again.
8. Ignoring
What does ignoring actually mean? I once had a professor in my master’s program who told us that “ignoring is behaving as if the child is non-existent.” This is easier said than done, for sure. As parents, we often think we are ignoring, yet…first of all, we generally say some incredibly smart comment like “I am ignoring you” or “I don’t see you” or “I am not going to look at you.” Ha…the kid is smarter than we are and knows full well if you are speaking to them and telling them what you are going to do, they exist enough to push your buttons. If you say a word, make it “I am going to go in the kitchen until you choose to stop with this fit” and do it!!
Ignoring does not mean you walk away and keep looking back to check to see what they are doing! Yes, make sure little Susie is not going to run out the front door or destroy your house but don’t keep looking back to see how she is doing. Ignoring mild misbehavior can be an effective parenting strategy to reduce it and prevent children from repeating it. The basic idea is to withhold attention from the child after they act in an undesirable way. When the behavior starts, avoid giving any reaction, such as yelling, commenting, lecturing, making eye contact, or grimacing. It’s important to be consistent and ignore the behavior every time it happens. Once the misbehavior stops, you can give your child your attention again.
9. Taking Away the “Candy Jar”
Anyone who comes to see me has to notice the candy jar sitting proudly in the middle of my glass table. I can’t count the number of times I have witnessed kids being told by their parents they “can have one” piece of candy. More times than not, the child will either respond with wanting to “take one for brother/dad/sister/etc.” The parent will say, “No, I said one,” and either the child will agree, or normally the negotiation begins between the parent and the child. I have also witnessed kids who will take “one” and quietly (hoping mom/dad won’t see) stuff candy in their pockets or just start eating one and grab another. The candy jar sits there, tempting every person that walks in my office.
What are the options here? Generally, I will stand up, remove the candy—hold my hand out—gesturing to give me the candy—and I place the candy jar on top of my shelf where the child can see the candy but can’t reach it. I have never had a child buck me on this. It is a statement without a word. This works great with a toy, device, food, anything that needs to be taken away due to the child not following instructions or if two kids are arguing or fighting about something tangible. Placing it where the child can actually see the item only allows the child to know that you mean business and their behavior is not acceptable. This works with older kids too. Take the item, go to the garage, open the trunk, and place the item in the trunk and lock the vehicle. No words: no yelling, lecturing, reminding, threatening, or asking.
10. Pulling the Car Over
So, your precious kids are fighting in the back seat. You really can’t reach around and slap your kids like our parents did, so find a place where you can pull the car over and don’t say one word. Stop, put the vehicle in park, and sit there silently. Stare ahead. Ignore. One of the precious little darlings will say something. This is when you can speak. Either say, “Are you ready to proceed/go to grandma’s/whatever?” and start driving. This technique uses silence and stillness to break the momentum of their argument and gives them a moment to reflect on their behavior. It also reinforces that you won’t tolerate fighting or misbehavior in the car. If it continues, go home and put them in bed or their room…no matter what time it is.
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Conveying the Importance of Behaviors
Your actions can convey the importance of certain behaviors and what is not tolerated. By modeling appropriate behaviors, you show your child what is acceptable and what is not. For instance, maintaining a calm demeanor when faced with a challenging situation teaches your child how to handle stress and frustration without resorting to outbursts. YOUR KIDS ARE WATCHING YOU! Your non-verbal communication can be more powerful than any lecture or reprimand. Don’t lose your sh—-and expect your child not to mimic you either now or sometime down the road.
Happiness
If I ask a parent what they desire for their child, the universal answer is, “To be happy”. It always makes me cringe because a teenage girl can “be happy” (for a minute) in the backseat of a car with a boy.
Happiness is subjective. Happiness can be a fleeting thought or feeling.
What I feel we really all want for our kids is pretty simple: Self-Regulation
Body language can teach self-regulation by modeling your own gestures and reactions. Taking charge non-verbally, rather than placing verbal demands, can help your child learn to control their impulses. For example, using a calm and steady posture during a tantrum can signal to your child that their behavior is not having the desired effect, encouraging them to calm down. This is when “I don’t care what you are doing…you are acting a fool and will not control me” kicks in.
Self-regulation is not to fly off the handle when your road rage kicks in. It means you can face an issue or problem and deal with it without acting like a mad man. It means you don’t scream and fight with your partner. It means you have control over your actions.
Teaching kids’ self-regulation means you are teaching them how to THINK. Think about actions, choices, behaviors, and consequences.
Parenting can be difficult to navigate but you are not alone! If you are struggling right now, let’s talk. You can book an in-person or virtual visit.
Email or call anytime to schedule an in-person or virtual session. (817) 701-5438 | beckylennox2018@gmail.com
Speaking Truth,
