Outsmart Your Teen: Using Body Language for Effective Discipline

Disciplining teens is tricky. They’re testing boundaries and seeking independence, which can make traditional discipline methods less effective. They all know more than we do and are magically grown and want independence. Using body language can bridge the gap, helping you communicate clearly and maintain authority without escalating conflicts.
Tips for Using Body Language with Your Teen
1. Stay Cool and Collected
Good luck! Teens are experts at picking up on emotional cues. When disciplining, keep your cool. Stand tall and confident, showing you’re in control without being aggressive. A calm demeanor speaks volumes. They are generally on the defense, ready to embark at any moment.
2. Lock Eyes (but not too much)
Eye contact with teens can show you mean business. It signals that you’re present and serious. Just avoid staring them down—keep it firm but friendly to maintain respect.
3. Respect Their Bubble
Teens value their space. When addressing issues, don’t crowd them. Keep a respectful distance that allows for effective communication without making them feel trapped. Get in their space and they feel threatened, sometimes like a caged animal.
4. Show You Care
Simple gestures like nodding or a gentle pat on the shoulder can show empathy. These small actions can de-escalate tension and show you’re on their side, even when setting rules. Discounting them by scrolling on your phone, texting, or being preoccupied only invites them to pick up their phone tune you out.
5. Be Clear and Firm
Use confident gestures like pointing to a spot or holding up your hand to signal “stop.” Make sure your gestures are strong but not aggressive, to ensure your teen understands the importance of the situation and be specific. You don ‘t want to hear, “Well, you didn’t tell me not to sneak out last night.” Having them repeat the rule, expectation, or boundary might be helps with clarification. Ask, “So, what time are you to be home this evening?” Asking them, “What is your understating about the party and expectations?” Do not allow wiggle room if it is a safety issue or you are adamant on a decision.
6. Harness the Power of Silence
Silence can be a game-changer. After making a point, stay silent and hold your ground. This gives your teen time to process what you’ve said and often leads to self-reflection and compliance. Go about what you are doing and don’t have a stare down. You must not allow to see you sweat or act as if there is a loop hole to jump through. “I have made my decision and I made it clear, if you want to go to the lake, you know my expectations.” If they chose to argue or negotiate, the deal is off.
7. Lead by Example
Teens often mirror behavior. Show calmness, patience, and respectful listening to encourage them to do the same. Your composed demeanor can set the tone for more productive interactions. Teens are notorious for throwing back “your” behavior at you. They will use whatever they can to make their issue, yours. Don’t share with your teen too much information. Monkey see monkey do.
8. Pause for Effect
Pausing before responding during serious discussions can be powerful. It shows you’re thinking carefully about what they’ve said and encourages them to reflect too. It also keeps you in control of the conversation. Pausing is golden. “Susie…pause…I want to be clear….pause…I will not allow you to ____.” We all understand this and are more than likely not even realize it. When I was a kid, I wanted my parents to “go off” so I knew what I was dealing with. A kid wants to know the consequences up front so they can decide how bad the punishment will be…pausing…allows a teen to wonder what will happen.
9. Use Non-Verbal Praise
A thumbs-up, nod, or smile can go a long way in acknowledging good behavior. These non-verbal cues can reinforce positive actions without breaking the flow of interaction. Your teens want you to be at their events and want to make you proud. A smile or a hug – even when they say they don’t want it – are the things that kids thrive on. Hugging, kissing them on their head, fist bumps, sending them with food, getting their favorite snack, showing up, a sweet text and doing a kind gesture out of the norm area all things even a teenager appreciates.
10. Skip the Justifying and Explaining
Justifying and over explaining creates kids who are always looking for an argument or a mini-courtroom to plead their case. They are waiting for the justification so they can jump in and convince you that you are wrong and they are right. It breeds entitled kids who feel they deserve to plead their case to any adult that they don’t agree with. These are the adults we can’t stand at work yet are stuck with.
I see this way too often in my office. Parents trying to convince their child their decisions are correct. For those of us who had parents whose motto was: “Because I said so” or “I am the parent, you are the child,” it can be tempting to lean towards allowing our kids to “have a voice.” While empowering kids to find their voice and have an opinion is important and helps them feel better about themselves, too much of it can damage the family dynamic. When kids feel they are on the parents’ level, they will argue, debate, scold, punish, and parent the parent. Teenagers are pros at successfully getting an adult to explain, justify, and argue with them. Don’t do it. As soon as you begin to justify and explain “why,” your teen sees an opening and will run straight for it. Stop trying to convince your child to believe you or understand your reasoning because they won’t. We all already know that the teenager is smarter, wiser, and much cooler than we are…just ask them.
11. Actions Scream Volumes
When I was 16, my dad told me way too many times not to try on clean clothes, not like them and decide to throw them on the floor. You know the girl thing we do when we can’t decide what to wear and try on 15 outfits until we finally find the perfect one. Typically, we are in a hurry, so we try on, think our butt looks too big, take it off, and throw it on the floor. Well, this was me. I had a date, and my dad reminded me, “Do not leave all of those clothes on the floor, your mom just spent most of the day doing laundry.” I (of course) replied, “Yes sir, I won’t” and promptly walked out of my room when the boy rang the doorbell. Upon return, the boy and I started walking up the many stairs to my house. Hanging on all of the trees were every single piece of clothing that I had left on my floor. Yes, including bras and panties…you get the vibe. There had to be no less than 40 pieces. My dad had proudly taken his time and hung my clothes on the trees individually (so you could see every single detail) to bring home the point. I walked in the front door, and my parents were watching TV. My dad calmly said, “Becky, I told you not to throw your clothes on the floor.” I tried to tell him how embarrassing this was, etc. He replied, “We are going to bed,” and they did. I got the message loud and clear, I was embarrassed, angry, and horrified. All the while the boy and got my dad’s ladder out, and took my clothing and shoes down – one by one in the dark.
12. The Takeaway Method
Oh, we all know the anger, rage, panic, and terror teenagers feel when something near and dear to their hearts is taken away. Often, this is the single most important thing to them and gets their attention like nothing else. You know what I’m talking about. “I need my phone for school,” “I need my phone to wake up,” “This is not fair, I have to have my car to get to school,” “Games are the only way I can talk to my friends.” Sound familiar? When a boundary is set and crossed one too many times, it’s time for action. Walk over, hold your hand out, look your teen in the eyes, and take the phone or whatever they have glued to their hand. Put it away. If you have to lock it in a safe, put it in your car and lock it, do it. You have now caused a bomb to go off. Tell your teen you will discuss it in the morning. This gives both of you time to cool down and approach the situation more calmly later.
13. Visual Clues
Another dad story. My cute self (I thought) many times was standing outside being so exciting and wonderful, talking to my boyfriend. You know the scenario. I pushed every single limit my poor dad expected from me. I was extremely clear I was to be home at 10 pm. As to follow his rules, I was promptly home like a good girl at 10:00. Just not in the house. As I am talking, flirting, and kissing my boyfriend, the outside lights would suddenly flicker. This was my immediate signal to get my a– in the house. The interesting thing was my dad would not say one word to me, not engage in conversation, and go to bed. I hated it! Wondering what he was going to do, if he was mad, or if I was in trouble. It drove me nuts.
14. Dad Power
Dads, you have a lot of power in your body language! You are Super Man with all kinds of special powers if you use it the right way. You don’t have to yell, curse, lecture, threaten, or throw a fit. Use your body language to talk for you. Men learn early on how to use their bodies to communicate. You all know the importance of this with other men.
Learning how to incorporate this with daddy’s little princess is golden, especially when boys come around. Be there when your daughters start dating. Meet the boys. Yes, all of them. Make the boys come to the door to see your daughter. If he can’t come to the door and meet you, your precious princess does not leave the house. When the boy comes to your home to pick up your daughter, be friendly and nice but also have a look that screams that you mean business if the boy does not respect your daughter. Your actions in how you treat your wife, how you treat your kids, and what you stand for are instrumental in the type of guy your daughters will date. I previously mentioned my dad flickering the lights when I did not come in the house and chose to stay outside with my boyfriend. The same dad would be sitting on the front porch in his pajamas when I was 2 minutes late. He would not say one word to me. He would look at the boy and say, “Son, she is going to get you into trouble.” That screamed volumes to any boy. Do not allow your relationship with your daughter to go cold when she is a teenager. She will shy away, and you won’t know what to talk to her about, but make her spend time with you. Take her out. Talk to her – even when she doesn’t want to. Take her to breakfast once a week. Anything. Your daughters want a relationship with you – even if they don’t act like it – and it is your responsibility to make this happen.
Parenting can be difficult to navigate but you are not alone! If you are struggling right now, let’s talk. You can book an in-person or virtual visit.
Email or call anytime to schedule an in-person or virtual session. (817) 701-5438 | beckylennox2018@gmail.com
Speaking Truth,
