Better Sex Through Non Sexual Touch

Sexual issues or problems with couples never start in the bedroom. It just doesn’t happen. There is so much that goes into sex and it way before you are even thinking about sex. Way before you have stripped naked, YOUR thoughts, feelings, pre-conceived ideas, history, and past shape your current sex life. 

This is the time to ask yourself if you truly want to change your sex life and if you are willing to do the work. 

Most of the couples I see share one common struggle—they’ve lost, forgotten, or completely pushed physical touch out of their relationship unless it’s happening in the bedroom. A lot of times, even in the bedroom, at least one partner is not really connected…. well, connected in a way they would like to be connected to their partner. 

Sex is not the important thing in the relationship. Connection is! Connection is the foundation that leads one to what they see as an amazing sex life. 

We all want to feel desired and wanted by our partner. This again, generally happens outside of the bedroom. When a partner doesn’t appear to “want you,” it often leads to long, exhausting discussions that don’t get you anywhere. The “unwanted” partner may spiral into self-criticism, thinking they’re fat, ugly, too old, or just not enough. The thoughts can be endless, creating imagined scenarios of cheating or emotional disconnection, making things even worse. This greatly affects the entire relationship and is extremely difficult to dismiss. 

Begin this process knowing that demands kill affection.  When a partner demands, bitches, complains, or whines about not having an adequate sex life, it does not magically make their partner want to jump their bones. Showing and seeing EFFORT is what most people want. A little effort goes a long way.  

The goal here shouldn’t be sex, but to connect without any expectations.

The Secret to Connection

The secret to connection-creating activities is not so much what you’re doing, but how you’re doing it. Two key concepts make all the difference:

Being Intentional ‘Intention’ means getting clear on why you’re doing what you’re doing. When it comes to intimacy exercises, the goal is to connect. Being intentional means setting the stage—both internally and externally—for that connection to happen.

Practically, this looks like approaching these activities with an open and curious mindset, a spirit of collaboration, and genuine appreciation for your partner.

Being Present ‘Presence’ is being fully engaged in the moment. It means giving your complete focus to what’s happening—paying attention to thoughts, feelings, sensations, and surroundings without judgment.

True intimacy happens in real-time interactions, and that only happens when you’re present—not preoccupied with something else. That also means: no phones. When you’re trying to connect and your partner keeps glancing at their phone, it’s disrespectful and hurts. Don’t be that person.

Remove distractions and create a space where it’s just you and your partner, fully engaged and focused on each other.

The Challenge: Step Out of Your Comfort Zone

Okay, the following exercises will not feel comfortable or like your norm. That’s the point. Your norm is probably not working well. You have to force yourself out of your comfort zone and try them.

I suggest you read over the list and highlight any you feel might be helpful or fun. Most people laugh while doing them, but the point is to experience bonding in an out-of-the-bedroom intention.

Are You Ready for This Journey?

Please read the following and take some time to truly ask yourself if you are ready for this journey. Highlight the points you feel YOU need to focus on—not what your partner needs to focus on—what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do. Do this individually and then meet to discuss. Transparency is vitally important here. Don’t waste your time nor your partner’s time—remember, this is about what YOU are willing to do, what you need to change, adapt to, learn, and discover.

In a Nutshell—Simple Ways to Connect

Highlight the gestures you feel you can offer your partner… what you are intending to do.

Non-sexual physical intimacy ideas include: holding hands, cuddling, hugging, gentle back rubs, kissing on the forehead or cheek, touching shoulders or arms, sitting close together, maintaining eye contact, stroking hair, giving a foot massage, and simply being within someone’s personal space without touching them.

Key points about non-sexual physical intimacy:

Simple gestures: Even small acts like a quick hug or a hand squeeze can foster connection.

Mindful touch: Pay attention to the quality of touch, making it gentle and respectful.

Communication is key: Always ensure consent and communicate your comfort level with physical touch.

Beyond touch: Non-verbal cues like eye contact and proximity can also contribute to intimacy.

Suggestions for Couples to Try

Cooking Together: Prepare a meal as a team. Focus on playful interactions like tasting ingredients and brushing up against each other.

Massage Exchange: Take turns giving hand or foot massages. Focus on being present and mindful of your partner’s reactions.

Slow Dancing: Put on a favorite song and dance closely without speaking. Let your bodies do the talking.

Shared Bath Time: Relax in the tub together, light candles, and enjoy the quiet connection.

Walking Together: Hold hands while taking a walk and make it a time to talk openly.

Back-to-Back Breathing: Sit back-to-back and sync your breathing. Focus on feeling each other’s presence.

Stargazing: Lay outside together and talk about dreams and memories while looking at the stars.

Reading Together: Choose a book and take turns reading to each other while cuddling.

Eye Contact Exercise: Sit facing each other and maintain eye contact for 3-5 minutes. Reflect on what feelings arise afterward.

Love Notes: Write short, heartfelt notes and hide them in places your partner will find.

Photo Show & Tell: Pick 3 photos each that represent cherished relationship memories. Take turns sharing stories about what they mean and how they made you feel.

The Revealing Game: Sit together and share personal prompts like “Something I’m looking forward to…” or “Something I’ve been struggling with…” without interruption.

Six-Second Kiss: Kiss for 6 seconds to build connection and boost oxytocin.

Hugging ‘til Relaxed: Set a timer for 5 minutes and hug without talking, focusing on breathing and connection.

Consider This…

During the times you are intentional in giving back to your partner, this is vitally important, you have to recognize, learn, and appreciate the feelings you experience while giving back to your partner. 

How do I feel when I’m giving to my partner?

How do I feel when I’m nurturing my partner

Where do I feel this in my body

How does it feel to share energy and chemistry?

What does touch do to me emotionally and physically?

Building intimacy doesn’t have to be complicated or time-consuming. Start small—add intentional touches throughout your day, make eye contact, and let your partner know you’re paying attention. The more you practice non-sexual touch, the easier it becomes—and before you know it, your connection (and your sex life) will feel stronger than ever.

Share your input, thoughts, ideas, commitment and intentions with your partner.