How Parents Accidentally Reinforce Anxiety

In a previous article, I explored the difference between real anxiety and learned avoidance in kids and teens. Today, let’s take it a step further by looking at how well-meaning responses from parents can unintentionally reinforce anxious behaviors—and how to recognize when it’s time to gently support versus when it’s time to push.

Let’s take a look at how we as parents can reinforce anxiety in our kids and teens:

Overprotection and Avoidance

Shielding kids from uncomfortable situations only makes anxiety worse.

Excessive Reassurance

Constantly telling kids everything will be fine doesn’t teach them how to handle uncertainty—it just makes them more dependent on your words.

Accommodating Anxiety-Driven Behaviors

Changing family plans or routines to accommodate a child’s anxiety reinforces the idea that their fears should control everything.

Speaking for the Child

Jumping in and answering for your kid prevents them from building confidence in their own voice.

Preventing Disappointment

Stepping in every time your child is upset robs them of the opportunity to learn how to handle setbacks.

Anxiety vs. Normal Kid Behavior

Tantrums, whining, and meltdowns are part of childhood—but they aren’t always signs of an anxiety disorder. Sometimes, kids yell and argue just because they don’t want to do something hard.

Yes, kids with real anxiety can struggle to control their emotions, but that doesn’t mean parents should give in. Set limits. Have boundaries. Don’t assume that every meltdown is something they can’t control. When they calm down, remind them that expectations still exist, and there are consequences for not following them.

When to Push and When to Support

Parents need to recognize when to push and when to step back.

Push when:

• A child is avoiding normal life situations out of discomfort.
• They’re using “anxiety” as an excuse to quit or not try.
• Their avoidance is impacting the entire family’s routine.

Support when:

• There are clear, ongoing symptoms of real anxiety.
• They’re making an effort but need tools to manage their emotions.
• They want to face their fears but need guidance to do so.

Kids need to be pushed, not protected from every challenge. Anxiety is real, but it’s not an excuse to avoid life. Parents need to step up, believe in their kids, and stop letting anxiety (or avoidance) run the show.

Parents, please listen to your child—their words and behaviors are screaming to you on many different levels. Listen. Observe. Hear what teachers are telling you. Pay attention to the time, place, and surroundings when your child is melting down, acting out, shutting down, or avoiding something. Listen to what they say when there isn’t a crisis. Often, their behavior is rooted in an emotion that hasn’t been heard, acknowledged, or supported. Acting out is communication. And when handled with curiosity, not fear, it becomes a window into what’s really going on.

Take what you see and hear and ask yourself:

• Where did they learn this?
• What have I said—or not said—that taught them this is okay?
• What have I modeled that tells them this is the way to get what they want?
• What fears have I allowed to grow unchecked?
• What label have I given them that they now use to define themselves?

Anxiety may be real, but it may also be a learned response. Either way, your response matters. Teach them they are capable—even when it’s hard.

Kids are no different than we are—people do what works until it doesn’t anymore.