Confessions of a Therapist: When Parenting Turns into a Courtroom Drama

Thirty years in the therapy chair have offered me a window into countless lives; I don’t think there is much I have not seen. But there’s a recurring plot in the family saga that has me both amused and perplexed: the continual rise of the mini attorneys that present themselves in my office. These pint-sized powerhouses (of all ages) don’t need a law degree to run the household; they’ve got their parents wrapped around their fingers and wear this proudly, as a badge of honor. Let me share my tales of over-explanation, over-justification, and the over-negotiation phenomena that are turning family dynamics into their own specially designed courtroom drama.

When parents consistently over-explain, over-justify, or engage in excessive negotiation with their young children, they inadvertently set the stage for a dynamic where the child assumes the role of the “boss” of the family. This shift in power can manifest in various negative behaviors as children test the boundaries of their newfound authority. Understanding these behaviors is crucial for parents aiming to foster a healthy family dynamic where authority is respected, and children feel valued and understood.

Let’s examine examples of kids in the different age categories in the therapy setting:  

Little Bosses: Navigating the Power Dynamics of Toddlers and Preschoolers in the Family

Lucas enters my office, his energy levels clearly indicating he’s used to taking the lead. His mom follows, her demeanor suggesting she’s prepared for negotiation rather than setting firm boundaries. I have done this long enough that this entrance was screaming “I am in total control!”

The Pre-School Boundary Test

The issue immediately at hand is Lucas’s demand to go see my animals. I purposely did not say a thing, curious to observe this interaction. “I want to go see the animals” speaking to his mom. His mom, aiming to rationalize with him, starts to explain, “You know, Lucas, it’s important to be patient and kind and wait until Miss Becky shares with us what she wants you to do and it is important that you have a seat and learn patience so you will be a good student when you are in school next year and…” Her explanation, detailed and logical from an adult’s perspective, seems to drift into the background for Lucas, who of course was s singularly focused on his goal: animals.

Unmoved by the explanation and sensing an opportunity in the lengthy justification, Lucas interrupts, “But I’m really wanting to go see Woody (my tortoise) and I have waited all day to see him.”  His plea is strategic, appealing to his mom’s desire to see him happy.

The Outcome

Overwhelmed by Lucas’s persistence and fearing the onset of a tantrum, his mom capitulates, “Okay, let’s just go see Woody for a few minutes and then you can have some time with Miss Becky because you have been a really good boy and I know you love tortoises and you have waited to see him”. Lucas, understanding he has navigated the conversation to his desired outcome, nods eagerly, the negotiation concluded in his favor.

This interaction serves as a microcosm of the challenges parents face when setting boundaries with their children. Lucas’s mom’s tendency to over-explain and justify, while well-intentioned, inadvertently undermines her authority by opening the door to negotiation on matters that should be non-negotiable. Lucas, perceptive and keen, leverages this dynamic to his advantage, understanding that persistence can lead to his desired outcome.

This short example highlights a common dynamic in families where children test limits and parents, in their desire to engage and explain, might unintentionally erode the firmness of boundaries necessary for healthy development. It underscores the importance of clear, concise communication and the need for parents to stand firm in their decisions, providing a secure structure within which their children can safely explore and grow.

Simply stating, “No, not now Lucas” would have been just fine.

Manifestations of Negative Behaviors in Young “Bosses”

• Persistent Defiance: Children who have learned that persistence in questioning or challenging decisions pays off may exhibit persistent defiance against parental requests or rules. This behavior is not just limited to significant issues but can extend to everyday routines, creating a constant atmosphere of conflict.

• Tantrums as a Tool:  Tantrums only work when the parent allows them to happen. Recognizing the effectiveness of emotional responses, young children might resort to tantrums not merely as expressions of frustration but as strategic tools to manipulate outcomes. Parents who capitulate to tantrums to avoid public embarrassment or out of sheer exhaustion reinforce this behavior, making tantrums a go-to strategy for the child.

• Disrespectful Communication: Children accustomed to negotiating and questioning parental authority might start adopting a tone and language of disrespect, mimicking the adversarial stance they perceive as successful. This can include sarcastic remarks, shouting, or even mocking, undermining the respectful communication foundation. Yes, this can occur even with a child as young as 3 years-old.

• Manipulating Parental Emotions: Young kids may become adept at manipulating parental emotions, playing on guilt, and affection to sway decisions in their favor. This emotional manipulation can strain the parent-child relationship, leaving parents feeling manipulated and powerless. Kids know where you guilt button is at an early age and know just where to push it when they want to get their way.

• Selective Listening: A child who believes they hold the upper hand may practice selective listening, obeying only when the outcome aligns with their desires and ignoring requests or commands that do not. This selective adherence undermines parental efforts to establish routines and discipline. We all know what this means…” I hear what I want to hear.”

Long-term Consequences of a Child-led Family Dynamic; Little Bosses Eventually Grow Up and it Only Gets worse! 

• Eroded Parental Authority: Continuous undermining of parental authority can erode the family structure, making it challenging to enforce rules or expectations and leading to chaos and instability within the household. This sh—show will not prove to benefit your nor your family.

• Impaired Social Development: Children who grow accustomed to dominating their household environment may struggle with peer relationships, unable to navigate situations where negotiation and manipulation are ineffective or unacceptable. Your kid won’t fit in parents!

• Difficulty Accepting External Authority: A child who learns to manipulate family dynamics may resist external authority figures, such as teachers or coaches, leading to conflicts in educational and social settings. This is the kid that keeps getting “reds” sent home or notes from the teacher. This is the teacher’s way of saying, “This is disrespectful…thanks a lot…get your kid under control. I don’t think he is near a cute as you think he is”.

Strategies for Rebalancing Family Dynamics – Get your kid under control!

To counteract the emergence of a child-dominated household, parents can adopt several strategies aimed at reinforcing healthy family dynamics:

• Establish Firm Boundaries: Clearly define which behaviors are acceptable and which are not, ensuring children understand the consequences of overstepping these boundaries. Boundaries are taught not inherited. When there are no boundaries, kids are heathens that nobody wants to be around.

• Model Respectful Communication: Demonstrate respectful communication in all family interactions, including during conflicts, to teach children the value of dialogue over defiance.

• Consistent Consequences: Apply consistent consequences for negative behaviors to reinforce the understanding that manipulation and disrespect are not effective strategies. A consequence means little Susie won’t like it or may get her feelings hurt. So what? If you don’t instill consequences, the world out there will and they won’t be invested in your child’s feelings!

• Promote Problem-Solving: Encourage children to articulate their needs and frustrations in constructive ways, guiding them toward problem-solving rather than manipulation. Set the stage for your child to problem solve. Don’t always “fix it” for them, even when it is easier to do so yourself!

• United Parental Front: Ensure both parents (and other caregivers) present a united front, reinforcing the same rules and consequences to prevent the child from “shopping” for a more favorable response. Get on the same page with the other parent…even if you can’t stand them. Kids are pros at splitting their parents or caregivers. This is also called,” playing one against the other”.

Fostering Mutual Respect in the Family Dynamic

Shifting from a dynamic where children act as the de facto “boss” to one of mutual respect and understanding requires WORK: patience, consistency, and a willingness to recalibrate parental responses. By establishing firm boundaries, modeling respectful communication, and encouraging healthy expressions of needs and frustrations, parents can navigate the challenges of over-negotiation and over-justification. Ultimately, fostering a family environment where authority is respected, and each member’s voice is valued lays the groundwork for children to develop into well-rounded individuals capable of thriving in diverse social contexts. It is what most of our parents have said in the past, “A healthy member of society.”

Pre-teens: Welcome to the moodiness and entitlement

Navigating the terrain of pre-adolescence brings its own set of unique challenges, as children on the brink of their teenage years begin to assert their independence with a more nuanced understanding of the world around them. These years are a critical period for setting the groundwork for open communication and mutual respect between parents and their children. In a therapy setting, these dynamics often come to the fore, providing valuable insights into the evolving parent-child relationship.

Alex: Screen Time Master

Alex is a 12-year-old who should apply for law-school immediately, he for sure would be an outstanding trial attorney. Alex and his dear in the headlights mom sat in my office. Alex, with the assertiveness characteristic of a typical pre-teen, demands more screen time, arguing that all his friends have fewer restrictions. The current family rule allows for two hours on weekdays after homework and chores are completed. Alex presents himself very well, body language of total confidence, exhibiting to me this is not his first rodeo with mom.

Here we go…in response to Alex’s demands, mom begins to justify the existing rule with a lengthy explanation, “You see, the reason we have these limits is that too much screen time can affect your sleep, and it’s important to have balance. We’ve read all these articles about how screens can impact your attention span and even your mood. Plus, it’s not just about following rules; it’s about learning to manage your time and priorities…” Are you kidding me mom? Alex does not give a flying flip about your opinions, rules, sleep, or a balanced life!

As her explanation continues, Alex’s frustration escalates. His counter, “But that’s not fair! All my friends get to play way more than I do. You just don’t understand how things are now. It’s not like when you were young. I’m not a little kid anymore; I should be able to decide for myself.”

The conversation escalates, with mom trying to negotiate by offering slight adjustments, “Okay, how about an extra half hour on Fridays if you can show us that you’ve managed your week well?” However, this attempt at compromise seems to further empower Alex to push for more, sensing mom weakening at a steady pace.

Feeling overwhelmed by the tension and Alex’s persistent dissatisfaction, mom finally gives in, “Alright, four more hours on weekends, and I will increase your daily screen time, but you have to promise me you’ll not let it affect your schoolwork.” Alex, sensing victory, agrees, and his case is closed and he victoriously wins!  

Reflections from the Session

This scenario reveals several key issues:

• Over-Justification Weakens Authority: Lengthy explanations and justifications can dilute the clarity and authority of parental guidelines, opening the door for negotiation where there might not need to be any. Pre-teens view this as a challenge, and one they can win.

• Negotiation Without Firm Boundaries Leads to Loss of Control: Attempting to negotiate without clear, non-negotiable boundaries can result in children pushing limits further, knowing that persistence can lead to parental capitulation. “I push, I win. Good for me!”

• The Importance of Consistent and Clear Communication: Effective communication involves stating rules and the reasoning behind them concisely, allowing for a dialogue that respects the child’s growing autonomy while maintaining necessary boundaries. The fewer the words, the better. Repeat.

In the unfolding scenario of Alex demanding more screen time and his mom’s eventual capitulation after a cycle of over-justification and negotiation, there are deeper, long-term implications worth considering. These patterns of interaction not only influence the current dynamics within the family but also have a significant impact on Alex’s development and behavior as he grows older.

Developing a Pattern of Entitlement

One of the immediate concerns is the reinforcement of a belief in entitlement. Alex learns that persistence, coupled with emotional appeals, can eventually wear down boundaries, leading to the realization of his desires. This pattern, if unchecked, can evolve into a broader sense of entitlement, where Alex may expect similar concessions in various aspects of life, including educational settings, relationships, and eventually in the workplace.

When pre-teens are allowed to get the parent in the over-justification, over explaining, and always negotiating role, the teenage years will surlily prove to be more of a nightmare. You can see what you can look forward to:

 Challenges with Authority and Rules

Repeated experiences of negotiating his way out of established rules can lead to difficulties in respecting authority and adhering to rules that are non-negotiable. As Alex transitions into adolescence and adulthood, this mindset might manifest in challenges with law enforcement, educational authorities, or workplace superiors, where the flexibility he’s accustomed to at home is not mirrored.

Difficulty Coping with Rejection and Failure

The lack of firm boundaries and the inability to accept ‘no’ for an answer may also impair Alex’s ability to cope with rejection and failure. Life inevitably involves moments where desires are not met and goals are not achieved. A foundational aspect of resilience is learning to navigate these disappointments, a skill that may be underdeveloped in individuals who rarely experience denial or failure in a protected home environment.

Impact on Personal Relationships

The dynamics of negotiation and capitulation can also influence Alex’s personal relationships. Friendships and romantic relationships involve compromise, empathy, and the understanding that not all demands can be met. Alex might struggle in these areas, expecting others to yield to his wishes and potentially leading to conflicts or shallow relationships based on transactional interactions rather than genuine connections.

Struggles with Self-Regulation

Finally, Alex’s development of self-regulation and discipline might be compromised. The ability to set personal limits, manage impulses, and delay gratification are critical skills for academic success, personal health, and professional achievement. The absence of firm external boundaries can hinder the internalization of these self-regulation skills, making it difficult for Alex to manage his time, responsibilities, and even his health effectively as he grows older.

Conclusion

The scenario with Alex and his mom, while seemingly confined to the issue of screen time, reflects broader developmental themes that have significant implications for his future. It highlights the importance of establishing and maintaining clear boundaries, not as a means of control, but as a necessary framework for healthy development. Through consistent and respectful communication, parents can help their children navigate their desires and disappointments, preparing them for the complexities of adult life.

Teenagers: The Cycle of Justification and Entitlement

The session begins with Nathan’s dad discussing a recent conflict over Nathan’s demand for more freedom on weekends. Nathan is “almost grown” and “should be allowed to stay out until 2:00am.”  Dad’s approach to the situation is to explain and justify his concerns in detail, hoping to avoid angering Nathan. “I just want you to understand why we set these curfews… It’s not that we don’t trust you, we do, but we don’t trust where you will be and the people out there. There is nothing good that happens after 12:00 am…” This method of over-explaining is rooted in Dad’s fear of Nathan’s explosive reactions and his desire to maintain peace at any cost.

This strategy feeds into Nathan’s sense of entitlement and reinforces the notion that if he pushes back hard enough, he can bend the rules to his favor. Nathan has learned that persistence and intimidation lead to victory, undermining the concept of mutual respect and compromise…not his first rodeo with dad.

The Impact of a Lack of Firm Boundaries

Nathan’s ability to argue, negotiate, and ultimately wear down his dad’s resistance has led to a situation where Dad struggles to establish and maintain firm boundaries. This dynamic is further complicated by Dad’s own upbringing under a tyrannical father. Determined not to replicate his father’s authoritarian approach, he overcompensates by allowing Nathan too much leeway, aiming to give him the “voice” he never had.

This well-intentioned approach, however, has backfired, eroding Dad’s authority and contributing to Nathan’s entitlement. Nathan’s confrontations and threats to leave home have left Dad feeling powerless and anxious, fearing the loss of control and the potential for escalated conflict.

The Broader Family Impact

The session also reveals the strain Nathan’s behavior and Dad’s responses have placed on the marriage. Dad’s tendency to over-justify Nathan’s behavior to his wife, in an attempt to smooth over conflicts, has led to disagreements and resentment. This pattern indicates a deeper issue within the family structure, where the fear of confrontation and the desire for peace have compromised the establishment of healthy boundaries and respect.

It is imperative that an importance of finding a balance between firm boundaries and granting autonomy. The key is not to eliminate Nathan’s voice but to guide it within a framework of respect and mutual understanding. Dad is encouraged to set clear, non-negotiable rules while also engaging Nathan in discussions about the reasoning behind these rules—not as a way of seeking approval but as a means of fostering understanding and responsibility. Easier said than done.

The need for Dad to address his fears of becoming like his own father, recognizing that setting boundaries is not equivalent to tyranny but a form of caring and responsible parenting. The goal is to rebuild Dad’s authority not through domination but through consistent, fair, and respectful leadership.

This session illustrates the complex interplay between past experiences, fear of conflict, and the challenges of parenting a strong-willed teenager. It underscores the necessity of clear boundaries, consistent communication, and the courage to face difficult emotions for the well-being of the entire family. We all bring our crap from our childhood, family dynamics, past relationships to the parental table. Identifying, recognizing, and addressing these issues, past and present, is the key to positive parenting with our children, marriages, and relationships.

Cutting the Cord: When Parents Over-Explain, Over-Parent, and Over-Justify to College Students

The session starts with Sarah’s parents expressing their concerns. Sarah is home from college on spring break and her parents are going to “set her straight on her shenanigans.” They detail Sarah’s slipping grades and mention instances of her overspending and frequent partying and mom is clear in sharing with me before session, “Her dad and I are going to put a damper on her party life.” Okay mom.

Despite their worries, in their actual session it is extremely different than what mom had shared. The narrative somehow changed and they tread lightly, fearing confrontation or upsetting their previous angel, Sarah.

The Parents’ Approach

As the discussion unfolds, Sarah’s mom and dad begin to over-justify their reasons for allowing her certain freedoms. They explain, “We just wanted her to enjoy her college experience, to have opportunities we didn’t have…” and “We thought giving her a bit more financial freedom would teach her responsibility, not lead to recklessness and allow her to use the skills we taught her about life and not to sleep around and drink so much and know right from wrong and….”

Sarah’s Response

Sarah, adept at manipulating the conversation, quickly reassures her parents, especially her dad, with excuses that skirt responsibility. “I’m just trying to make the most of college. It’s not like my grades are that bad. And about the money, I’m learning to budget, I promise. I am a typical college age kid, if you ask me.”

The Manipulation

It becomes evident that Sarah is downplaying her actions, leveraging her father’s affection to dismiss her parents’ concerns. Her father, swayed by her assurances, starts rationalizing her behavior, “Maybe we’re overreacting. She deserves some leeway to grow.” Okay dad, right on! Sarah’s mom chimes in with her negotiating skills with, “Sarah, honey, maybe only go out once a week and drink or maybe you can just stay in your apartment and drink and we can help you budget your money and take your credit card away if this continues to happen.”

Recognizing the unhealthy patterns of communication and Sarah’s manipulative tactics, I decide to intervene. “It’s clear there’s a lot of love and desire to support Sarah’s independence and growth. However, “This is total BS, Sarah, what do you feel needs to happen here?” “Mom and dad, what are the rules and what are the consequences?” Sarah suddenly remembered whose office she was in and began stating a fair and reasonable plan. I had to stop each parent from jumping in and doing what they have practiced for years with Sarah…negotiating, making excuses for her behaviors, over explaining, and enabling their child.

By the end of the session, Sarah’s parents were more aware of the need to stand firm in their expectations, and Sarah begins to understand the impact of her actions on her future and her relationship with her parents. The family agrees to continue therapy to work on rebuilding trust, improving communication, and setting appropriate boundaries.

Self-Examination for parents: 

1. Undermining Trust and Confidence

Excessive justifications can subtly signal to children that their parents do not trust them to understand or accept decisions without elaborate explanations. This constant need for justification can erode the child’s trust in their parents’ authority, as decisions seem to require validation. Moreover, it may lead children to question their own judgment and capabilities, undermining their confidence in personal decision-making.

How have you observed your child second guessing their actions, judgement, or decisions? How have they exhibited self-doubtful behaviors or required you to make decisions for them?

2. Stifling Independence and Problem-Solving Skills

A key part of growing up is learning to make decisions and solve problems independently. Over-justifying parents may deprive their children of the opportunity to think critically and make choices, however small, based on their own reasoning. This lack of practice in decision-making can lead to difficulties in handling more complex decisions and problems as they grow older, stifling their development of independence and critical thinking skills.

How have you observed your child struggling with making decisions? What are some examples of ways your child requires your input on the smallest decisions?

3. Creating Anxiety and Overdependence

Children raised with too many justifications may become overly reliant on external validation for every decision they make, feeling insecure without it. This overdependence can manifest as anxiety when faced with decisions, leading to indecision or a constant seeking of approval from others. It sets a precedent that decision-making is fraught with potential error unless justified thoroughly, which is an unrealistic expectation for any individual, especially a developing child.

How have you observed your child being insecure with their decisions or actions? How have they exhibited actions where they are seeking approval from others? Do you see your child is easily influenced?

4. Interfering with Moral and Ethical Development

Part of a child’s development includes understanding right from wrong and developing a personal set of ethics. Over-justification can interfere with this process by presenting decisions as needing rationalization, rather than being inherently right or wrong. Children might grow to see ethical and moral decisions as subjective, based solely on the ability to justify them, rather than on universal principles of right and wrong.

In what ways have you observed your child exhibit behaviors where they justified their actions instead of knowing what was actually right or wrong? Describe an instance where you have experienced your child justifying behaviors instead of taking accountability. 

5. Impairing Social Skills and Empathy

Over-justifying personal actions can also impair a child’s development of empathy and social skills. When justification is prioritized, understanding and considering the feelings of others can become secondary, leading children to view social interactions as transactions that require explanation rather than genuine human connections. This perspective can hinder their ability to form healthy, empathetic relationships.

Describe an instance where your child justified their actions opposed to exhibiting empathy, regret, or true apology for hurting another person.

This session underscores the complex interplay between parental love, the desire for children’s happiness, and the need for discipline and structure. It highlights the importance of addressing manipulative behaviors head-on and fostering an environment where accountability is not only expected but embraced…even if I have to do so myself.

Parenting can be difficult and overwhelming but you are not alone! If you are struggling right now, let’s talk. You can book an in-person or virtual visit.

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Email or call anytime to schedule an in-person or virtual session. (817) 701-5438 | beckylennox2018@gmail.com

Speaking Truth,