Cut the Commentary: Why Less is More When Talking to Kids
In my last article, Confessions of a Therapist: When Parenting Turns into a Courtroom Drama, we talk about fostering a healthy family dynamic where authority is respected, and children feel valued and understood. In this article, we will dive into overexplaining and how to negotiate in a healthy way.
We have either observed or done it ourselves. The infamous “roll your eyes” when a parent is preaching, repeating, or reiterating something that has been already said or discussed.
Parents may over-justify for various reasons, often with the best intentions at heart, aiming to ensure their child understands the reasoning behind decisions or to avoid emotional distress. You know, repeating a rule, moral or value they believe their kid might not have learned yet. This is irritating, annoying, frustrating and inadvertently complicates simple matters or undermine the child’s ability to accept and learn from straightforward rules or consequences.
Trust me, kids know how their parents feel, what they will and will not accept, and what gets under their skin. They can write a list of your expectations, rules and what you won’t put up with. Many times, less is more when speaking to your kids.
Inside the Mind of a Child: What Kids Really Think When Parents Overexplain; Out of the Mouths of Babes
Kids have a unique way of observing and commenting on the world around them, including their parents’ attempts at parenting. Here are some quotes that children have shared in therapy about their parents’ habits of over-justifying, over-explaining, and their own tactics for negotiation:
“My mom’s got this whole speech about healthy eating. I just say ‘uh-huh’ until she forgets and then I sneak a cookie. Works every time.”
“Does my mom really not get tired of hearing herself talk? It is because my dad shuts her up, so she comes to her next target: me.”
“Dad explains why I need to save my allowance like he’s giving a TED Talk. I just wait till he’s done, then ask for money for ‘books.’ Then, I have money again.”
“Whenever they start on one of their ‘When I was your age’ stories, I just imagine I’m a character in one of my games and I already know everything. Makes it bearable.”
“My mom over-explains why bedtime is bedtime. So, I asked for a bedtime extension in exchange for doing extra chores. I don’t really do the extra chores, but don’t tell her that! She just likes it that I am willing to do more and shuts up and I win.”
“Dad tries to justify why I can’t have more screen time by talking about brain development. I nod, then remind him how good I am at multitasking. Next thing I know, my screen time ‘magically’ increases.”
“Whenever they start explaining things I already know, I just zone out and think about what I’m going to do once they stop talking. It’s like a mini-vacation.”
“I told my parents I read an article about how negotiating skills are important for my future. Now, whenever I want something, we ‘practice my negotiation skills.’ I’m practically a lawyer now.”
“My parents start over-justifying about why I need to clean my room. I say, ‘I am too busy with homework’ and then I am okay for another week because they think they have taught me to be a good student and take all of the credit.”
“Every time they over-explain why I can’t go out on school nights; I act really interested and ask lots of questions. By the time we’re done, they’re too tired to remember what they were saying no to.”
“Another PowerPoint presentation on the dangers of too much screen time? Joke’s on you, I’ve developed the skill to nod along while mentally scrolling through my social media feed.”
Kids comments regarding the parent who over negotiates:
“Why do they bother? They know I’ll get what I want anyway.”
“This negotiation game is so annoying. They should just give in already.”
“I’ll just let them talk. I know they’ll give in eventually.”
“They think they’re being clever, but I see right through it.”
“It’s like they’re begging me to accept their offer. I’ll make them squirm a bit longer.”
“I’m already planning what I’ll do with my win. They don’t stand a chance.”
“This negotiation is taking forever. Can’t they see I’m going to win?”
“I’ve got them wrapped around my finger. It’s almost too easy.”
“They’re so desperate to avoid conflict. I’ll just sit back and watch them cave.”
“I’m the master negotiator here. They should just accept defeat already.”
Choosing Dialogue Over Dictates: The Right Time and Reasons for Parents to Negotiate with Kids
The question of the day? “When is negotiation appropriate with my child?”
It is not easy because quite frankly, kids have way more time and effort to come up with reasons, stories, and their own justifications regarding why they want or deserve something. Parents must be on top of the rules, expect ions, non-negotiables and what is accepted and not.
Healthy negotiation with children, when done appropriately, can foster a myriad of positive outcomes, strengthening the parent-child relationship and contributing to the child’s development in significant ways. As a therapist advocating for this approach, it’s essential to understand the benefits of healthy negotiation, recognize what it looks like in practice, and identify appropriate situations for its application.
Benefits of Healthy Negotiation
- Promotes Critical Thinking: Children learn to evaluate situations, consider various outcomes, and make informed decisions.
- Fosters Independence and Autonomy: Engaging in negotiation helps children feel empowered in decision-making, encouraging autonomy.
- Improves Communication Skills: Regular negotiation teaches children effective communication, including how to express their needs and listen to others.
- Enhances Emotional Intelligence: Through negotiation, children learn to identify and articulate their feelings, fostering empathy and understanding.
- Builds Problem-Solving Skills: Negotiation involves finding mutually acceptable solutions, enhancing problem-solving abilities.
- Encourages Responsibility: Children learn that their choices have consequences, promoting accountability.
- Strengthens the Parent-Child Relationship: Negotiation based on mutual respect can deepen trust and understanding between parents and children.
What Healthy Negotiation Looks Like
- Equal Respect: Both parent and child view each other’s opinions and feelings with respect, acknowledging that both perspectives are valid.
- Clear Boundaries: The negotiation occurs within predetermined boundaries, ensuring that the child understands which topics are open for discussion and which are not.
- Active Listening: Each party actively listens to the other, seeking to understand their viewpoint without interrupting or dismissing it.
- Open Dialogue: Conversations are open and honest, allowing for the expression of needs, desires, and concerns without fear of judgment.
- Solution-Focused: The goal of negotiation is to reach a solution that respects both parties’ needs and concerns, rather than winning an argument.
When to Negotiate with Kids
- Setting Personal Goals: Negotiate when discussing personal goals related to education, extracurricular activities, or personal projects.
- Managing Screen Time: Find a middle ground on screen time that balances leisure with responsibilities.
- Chores and Responsibilities: Discuss the division of household chores, allowing children to have a say in their tasks.
- Social Engagements: Negotiate curfews and outings, considering the child’s social development needs and safety.
- Allowance and Money Management: Work together to decide on allowance amounts and savings goals, teaching financial responsibility.
- Problem Solving: When conflicts or problems arise, use negotiation to involve children in finding solutions, teaching them valuable life skills.
Healthy negotiation is a powerful tool in parenting, offering numerous benefits that extend far beyond the immediate resolution of issues. It prepares children for the complexities of adult interactions, instills valuable life skills, and strengthens the family bond through mutual respect and understanding. By identifying appropriate moments to negotiate and employing respectful, open communication strategies, parents can nurture well-rounded, independent, and thoughtful individuals.
Parenting can be difficult and overwhelming but you are not alone! If you are struggling right now, let’s talk. You can book an in-person or virtual visit.
Email or call anytime to schedule an in-person or virtual session. (817) 701-5438 | beckylennox2018@gmail.com
Speaking Truth,
