Balancing Acts: Prioritizing Your Child’s Needs Without Neglecting Your Partner
What people think they come to counseling for isn’t usually what they’re actually there for. Over the years, I’ve learned that everyone has something—some hidden, tangled mess that they might not even fully understand themselves. When people walk into my office, it’s as if they throw down a 10,000-piece jigsaw puzzle in the middle of my floor that we need to put together in just a few minutes. It’s a complex challenge, central to the therapeutic journey—unraveling and connecting childhood family dynamics, past relationships, current situations, and personal challenges to cultivate a clearer understanding of oneself and life.
Emotional Incest: An Alarming Reality Many Don’t Recognize
Let me introduce you to Nathan, Claire, and their 15-year-old daughter, Emma. At first glance, their family dynamic might resemble the ideal any family would hope to achieve. They are engaged, active in community and school functions, and maintain a close-knit relationship. However, like any family, they have their challenges that are not intentional by the parents but are significantly impacting the dynamics of their family and marriage.
Nathan and Claire are caring, attentive parents who noticed Emma seemed less enthusiastic about her usual activities and was performing below her usual academic standards. Concerned about these changes, they came to see me to explore these issues more deeply, demonstrating their commitment to her well-being.
Imagine my therapy office: Two therapy dogs, a bunny, a cat in a hoodie, four chickens in the back yard, a 100-pound tortoise, a play therapy sand box, art therapy supplies in the corner, and an invisible elephant in the middle of the room. On the floor beside me, my two therapy dogs sprawl contentedly as Maddie, a 15-year-old girl with anxious eyes, pets them slowly, with Henry the bunny in her lap. Her parents, Claire and Nathan, sit on the couch across from us. Claire starts to talk, her voice filled with a mix of concern and pride.
Claire leans forward, her hands clasped tightly. “I just don’t understand what’s changed. Maddie used to share everything with me. We’ve always been close… I’ve always made sure she knew she could come to me with anything. She tells me everything about boys, friends, and school. Ever since she was little, it’s been Maddie and me against the world,” she says, her eyes flicking towards Nathan briefly, who gives a small, resigned smile.
“Maddie’s not just my daughter, she’s my best friend. Lately, though, she’s been so distant. She’s slipping in school, and she seems so unhappy. I’ve tried everything to help her. We shop together, I take her to her appointments, we have spa days just to make her feel better. I just want her to know I’m here for her, no matter what.” Okay mom…continue…. “I don’t know why this is happening, it is not something I ever expected from Maddie.”
I catch Maddie’s eyes as she affectionately pets Ivy and Skye, therapy dogs, while Henry is napping in her lap. She looks up at me and gives me the teenage look of “Here we go” unseen by her parents. With a roll of her eyes, it’s clear she shares a sense of understanding about the conversation taking place around her and she is totally irritated. Dad sits in silence with his hands in his lap staring ahead. Did he have a voice, thought, or feelings or was he going to sit in silence?
Aha, there it is—Bingo! It’s becoming blatantly obvious… It’s never just about what they initially come in for; there’s always more beneath the surface. The metaphoric elephant in the middle of the room didn’t merely visit; he made himself quite at home, crapped right in the middle of the room, and now, not only does he need to be acknowledged and recognized, but we also need a significant cleanup in the entire-room!
Nathan, who has been quietly observing the exchange, adds his thoughts. “We’ve given Maddie a great life, better than what Claire and I had growing up. We’re involved in our community, we have a circle of supportive friends, we’re financially stable, and we both have successful careers. Honestly, from the outside, I guess it looks like we have the perfect life.” Continue please dad…I made eye contact with him inviting him to give me his take on what is going on.
He pauses, glancing at Maddie then back at his wife. “But,” he adds, “I sometimes feel like it’s just you and Maddie, and I’m just along for the ride. It’s wonderful that you two are so close, but occasionally I wonder about us…you know, what we have together as a couple.”
Oops… turns out Dad has feelings too. Maybe feeling a bit like a third wheel since Maddie and the marriage might be edging out his own needs?
Claire shoots him a look, half-amused, half-warning. “Zip it, love. We’re here for our star player, Maddie, not our marriage that has been dead for years. “
It appears that Dad might also be grappling with his own set of issues, perhaps feeling overlooked as Maddie and the marital relationship seem to overshadow his needs. This scenario is not uncommon in families where boundaries become blurred, and roles mistakenly assigned.
Here lies the crux of emotional enmeshment.
Claire has not only prioritized Maddie above all else—including her marriage—but she also views their relationship through a lens of friendship rather than motherhood. This dynamic, while well-intentioned, can create a heavy burden for Maddie.
This family is not doomed. The marriage isn’t over. Maddie will more than likely not turn out to be a serial killer. Maddie, mom, dad, or the family system is not set in stone. Family systems can be changed, modified, enriched, quirked, or into a healthy system for everyone involved. This does not happen magically; the first step is to identify there is an elephant in the middle of the room. This family exhibits traits and signs of emotional incest.
I need to see the parents alone and circle back to Maddie to gain her input because I am positive, she has her own opinion and will offer her own insight.
Emotional incest—the title alone might sound intimidating, threatening, accusatory, or maybe it makes you nauseous, but it is real, and it goes on in more families than one might realize.
This dynamic is called “emotional incest,” with the child taking on an inappropriate level of emotional support for their parent, while the child’s own emotional needs are being ignored or overshadowed. This behavior can be very harmful to young children, with the impact lasting well into adulthood.
Emotional incest, also known as covert incest, is a dynamic where a child is treated not just as a child but as a substitute spouse for their parent. This treatment goes beyond normal parent-child bonding, placing inappropriate emotional burdens on the child without any physical sexual abuse occurring. It involves an intimacy level that typically only exists between adults in a healthy relationship and is used to satisfy the emotional needs of the parent.
The term “emotional incest” might not be as widely recognized or understood as other forms of abuse, primarily because it involves no physical contact. However, it can be just as damaging to a person’s psychological and emotional health. The concept has been around in psychological texts for decades but has gained more attention in recent years as therapists have become better at identifying these dynamics.
It’s important to be clear on this point: when parents first hold their precious new arrival, they do not gaze upon this tiny treasure and plan to create enmeshment, engage in emotional incest, or become overly dependent to the point of feeling lost and unworthy without their child. Nor do they intend to gradually disconnect from their partner. These developments are not deliberate.
Rather, this process is insidious, layered, and intricately woven into the fabric of the parent-child relationship without conscious intent. It evolves slowly, often so subtly that it is nearly invisible, catching families off guard when the repercussions become palpable. This dynamic, complex as it is, underscores the challenges parents face in maintaining healthy boundaries while nurturing the bond with their children.
Furthermore, the other parent may not initially recognize these dynamics when the child is an infant or younger. Often, they understand that the child needs their partner’s attention and care, and they hesitate to express feelings of being “left out” for fear of seeming unsupportive or resentful. This silence can contribute to a gradual, growing rift as the enmeshment between the co-parent and child deepens, potentially leaving the other parent feeling isolated and sidelined in their own family.
Unfortunately, the steady decline of the marriage or relationship often goes unnoticed until it blindsides the individuals involved like a ton of bricks. This stark realization typically coincides with significant life transitions, such as when children go off to college, leaving parents with an empty nest and a quieter, emptier house that echoes the deeper silences within their relationship.
Take a look at this list (click here) and highlight the issues you might have experienced personally, witnessed in other couples, or withstood in your own biological family.
Manifestation of Emotional Incest
The process usually begins subtly—a parent sharing too much information with a child, relying on them for emotional support, or subtly manipulating them to fulfill roles that are inappropriate for their age. This relationship dynamic might feel normal to the child, and they may not recognize its dysfunctionality until later in life, often through therapy or when they start to struggle in their interpersonal relationships.
In my next article, Changing the Path to Emotional Incest, we talk about how to recognize early signs, how to navigate the emotional transition and how to emotionally reinvest in each other.
Parenting and relationships can be difficult and overwhelming but you are not alone! If you are struggling right now, let’s talk. You can book an in-person or virtual visit.
Email or call anytime to schedule an in-person or virtual session. (817) 701-5438 | beckylennox2018@gmail.com
Speaking Truth,
