How to Talk to Your Parent About the Impact of Their Depression
Being a ‘kid’ isn’t just about age—it’s a role we never fully outgrow. We’re always our parents’ kids, no matter how old we get or how far we move away. Although we want to feel like adults living our own lives, more often than not, the second we walk back through our parents’ door, we morph back into the original family dynamics. A parent’s depression affects everyone, regardless of age. Our roles may shift over time, especially as our parents grow older, but the impact of depression doesn’t change—it ripples through the entire family.
We all know the age-old tactic of shoving things under the family rug. You know, that lumpy rug where we stuff our issues, hoping they’ll magically disappear along with the memories. But from what I’ve seen, those issues don’t stay buried. I’ve worked with many adults who have tried desperately to hide childhood or family problems under that rug, only to find them resurfacing in their relationships—with partners, kids, co-workers, bosses, friends, siblings, and even strangers. The players may change, but the dynamics remain the same.
If you’re ready to face these issues head-on, here are some tips for approaching a parent or family member as an adult—if you’re brave enough to try. I also recommend working with a therapist to help guide you through this process.”
Talking to parents about the impact of their depression on a lost childhood or emotional damage can be challenging for teens and young adults. Here are some steps and strategies to help navigate this sensitive conversation:
1. Prepare Emotionally and Mentally
Reflect on Your Feelings: Before approaching your parents, take time to understand your own feelings. Journaling or speaking with a trusted friend or therapist can help clarify your thoughts and emotions.
Set Clear Intentions: Decide what you hope to achieve from the conversation. Is it to seek an apology, to understand their perspective, to share your pain, or to begin a healing process together?
2. Choose the Right Time and Place
Find a Calm Setting: Choose a time when both you and your parents are relatively calm and not distracted by other stressors. A private, quiet environment can make the conversation feel safer and more focused.
Avoid High-Stress Moments: Try not to bring up the conversation during a fight or when emotions are already high. Pick a time when everyone is more likely to be receptive.
3. Use “I” Statements
Express Your Experience: Use “I” statements to express how you feel without placing blame. For example, “I felt lonely and scared when I saw you were struggling” rather than “You made me feel lonely and scared.”
Be Specific About Your Feelings: Share specific examples of how their depression affected you. For instance, “I felt confused and unsure when I had to care for myself more often” or “I missed out on a lot because I felt responsible for your happiness.”
4. Acknowledge Their Experience
Show Empathy for Their Struggles: Acknowledge that you understand they were struggling with depression, which is a difficult and challenging experience. For example, “I know you were going through a hard time, and I appreciate how challenging that must have been.”
Avoid Blame or Guilt: Be mindful not to make them feel like you are blaming them for everything that happened. Focus on how you felt rather than accusing them of wrongdoing.
5. Be Honest About What You Need
Ask for What You Need Now: Clearly communicate what you need from them now to start healing. This could be acknowledgment, an apology, or reassurance that they are working on managing their depression. For example, “It would mean a lot to me if you could acknowledge how that time affected me” or “I need to know that you’re getting the support you need.”
Be Open to Their Perspective: Be prepared for them to have their own perspective on what happened. Listen actively and try to understand their side as well.
6. Set Boundaries if Needed
Protect Your Well-being: If your parents become defensive or unwilling to engage in the conversation, it’s okay to set boundaries. You might say, “I need us to have this conversation respectfully. If not, I may need to take a break and talk later.”
Know When to Pause: If the conversation becomes too intense, be willing to step away and revisit it later. It’s okay to take breaks to process emotions.
7. Use Outside Support if Necessary
Involve a therapist or chosen mediator: If you’re finding it difficult to have this conversation alone, consider seeking help from a family therapist or counselor who can provide guidance and support.
Find Support Groups: Joining a support group for people who have experienced similar situations can provide valuable insights and encouragement.
8. Practice Patience and Compassion
Be Patient with the Process: Healing takes time, and your parents may need time to process what you’ve shared. They might feel guilt, sadness, or defensiveness initially, but over time, they may come to a better understanding.
Show Compassion: Remember that both you and your parents have experienced pain. Approaching the conversation with compassion for both yourself and them can help create a more productive dialogue.
9. Follow Up and Continue the Conversation
Revisit the Discussion if Needed: This may not be a one-time conversation. Be open to revisiting the discussion as you and your parents process and understand each other’s perspectives more deeply.
Continue the Dialogue: Keep lines of communication open, and consider suggesting ongoing family therapy or joint activities that can help rebuild trust and connection.
10. Focus on Your Own Healing
Prioritize Self-Care: Regardless of how your parents respond, focus on your healing journey. Engage in therapy, support groups, or other self-care practices to process your emotions and move toward healing.
Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with supportive friends, mentors, or therapists who can help you navigate these conversations and your feelings.
By approaching the conversation with empathy, clarity, and patience, teens and young adults can open a pathway for healing and understanding with their parents.
Here are some direct, realistic quotes that teens or young adults can use to speak with their parents about how their parents’ depression impacted their childhood:
Acknowledging the Past:
“I know you were going through a lot, but I need you to understand how it felt for me growing up in that environment.”
“I’m not trying to blame you, but I want you to know that your depression affected me in ways I’m still trying to understand.”
Expressing Personal Impact:
“There were times when I felt like I had to grow up faster because I was worried about you. That was really hard for me as a kid.”
“I missed out on a lot of my childhood because I felt like I had to take care of myself and sometimes even take care of you.”
Sharing the Need for Acknowledgment:
“I just need to hear from you that you recognize how your depression impacted me. I think it would help me start to heal.”
“It would mean a lot to me if you could acknowledge what it was like for me, even if it’s hard to talk about.”
Seeking Understanding:
“I want to understand more about what you were going through, but I also need you to understand how it felt for me.”
“I wish we could talk openly about what happened, so I don’t feel like I’m carrying this alone anymore.”
Requesting a Change Moving Forward:
“I’d like us to work on finding a way to talk about this that doesn’t feel so painful or scary for either of us.”
“I need to know that things are different now, and that we can build a healthier relationship moving forward.”
Setting Boundaries:
“I want us to have a better relationship, but I also need to feel safe to talk about how I was affected by everything that happened.”
“If we’re going to have a real relationship, I need to feel like I can be honest about my feelings, even if they’re hard to hear.”
Communicating Needs and Hopes:
“I hope we can start a conversation about this because I want to feel closer to you, and I think this is standing in the way.”
“I’m hoping you can see where I’m coming from and maybe we can work on this together.”
These quotes are intended to help facilitate a real and honest conversation, allowing teens or young adults to voice their feelings and needs while encouraging a path toward healing and understanding with their parents.
Remember, I’m here if/when you need me. Navigating this journey can be difficult but you are not alone! If you are struggling right now, let’s talk. You can book an in-person or virtual visit.
Email or call anytime to schedule an in-person or virtual session. (817) 701-5438 | beckylennox2018@gmail.com
Speaking Truth,
