Guess what? Boy-ness is inherent.
Yep. We don’t need to instill, teach, or worry about with our precious little bundle of joys that happen to be boys.
Aiden taught me this lesson loud and clear…
Melissa’s first words to me after my greeting were, “I have a huge issue with my son whose father is trying his level best to turn our son gay.”
Okay, this is going to be an interesting session to say the least.
Melissa, a mom of a 14-year-old son, Aiden, proceeded to share with me that her “a***hole” ex-hubby John, had left her for a man 12 years ago and “they (dad and partner) were role modeling gayness and for sure have made Aiden gay”. She talked about the “dolls they (dad and partner) had as well as girls toys” as if they were supplying heroine to this child.
“Okay, did I really just hear you say that?” I responded. Melissa answered, “Well, they have him cooking, cleaning, he’s OCD, dressing like he’s gay, cries at a drop of a hat, and he doesn’t like sports”.
Oh ok, that for sure pegs her son as” being gay”… Are you kidding me right now? Surely this is not real. A parent “making their child turn gay”?
This must part of a hidden camera punked television show or one of my colleagues is paying a major prank on me.
I need to meet with Aiden sooner than later, mom.
Aiden came in with Melissa the next week. I was eager to meet this 14-year-old kid who “his father had made gay”. I listened to Melissa skirt the issue of Aiden “being gay” for a few minutes and then asked Aiden, “Does she always talk for you?” Aiden smiled and responded, “Only when I am with her”. I then stated, “How about me visiting with Aiden alone?” and Melissa laughed (kind of) and excused herself to go “gab a coffee”.
My session with Aiden was enlightening. Aiden is an amazing kid who is kind, bright, driven, articulate, personable, engaging, and amazing. Aiden loves “all three of his parents” and has both feet on the ground. Aiden knows what he wants in life and I have no doubt he will achieve his goals.
Melissa returned with two coffees in hand. She offered me one and I stated, “I am kind of afraid to accept it because you might have put poison in it after I kicked you out of the session.” She laughed and sat down by Aiden.
I shared with Melissa my findings of my “assessment” of Aiden.
“You have an amazing kid. He is one of the most well-rounded kids I have seen in my career. You and his dads have done an outstanding job with this kid and you all should be proud…all three of you.” Aiden looked around the room as if he was embarrassed or more than likely a little nervous to hear what I might say next. “You have a well-rounded boy who knows how to love and be loved. You have a boy who has experienced discrimination, bullying, social biases, judgement and taken each of these to make him a better person.
I continued with, “Melissa, quite frankly, I don’t give a damn if Aiden is gay or not. Why does it matter anyway?’
Melissa quickly replied, “well his dad” and I stopped her in her tracks.
I said, “Guess what? You don’t make anyone gay or not gay. None of us have that power and why would be want to anyway, we are not God.”
“Be grateful your little boy played with dolls, dressed up, cooked on a make-believe stove, played in the mud, jumped off the top of the monkey bars, scraped his knee, made car sounds with his mouth, roughhoused, rolled around in the dirt, and played soccer.”
Aiden looked up and said, “Yes Becky! By the way mom, I am not gay I have had a girlfriend for a year that I have actually been hiding from you because I knew you would freak out.”
Aiden is now 27.
He graduated from the Air Force Academy, is married with a son and is serving our country today.
In my experience, boys will be boys… no matter what.
Boys will be who they are. Period. They build, jump, fly, roll, run, fall, and make noises that are not only unique to their gender but typical. Boys tend to think, mature, process, and reason somewhat differently than girls but remain individual.
Boys are boys…sexual preference is not an identity.
I still get questions regarding what appropriate toys boys should be playing with, what long term effects it will have on them and my two regular questions are in the context of boys and dolls “Will it make him soft?” and “Will he be gay?” I attribute these questions down to naivety, curiousness, personal biases, paranoia, the dark ages, or plain stupidity.
Trust me, playing as a child with labeled gender-specific toys does not influence a child into being gay. I have never seen a dysfunctional miserable male adult in therapy with gender identity issues in my office because he played with dolls as a child. These men are in my office generally because the people they love refuse to accept them for who they are.
Babying, pampering, spoiling, indulging, coddling, or running to rescue them every time they fall, does not flip the gay switch on. It creates a dependent dysfunctional brat who no one wants to be around. Male or female.
Parents are concerned about what sexual preferences their children will have, why? Today we are all equal and we have the freedom of choice to be who we want to be. What your child chooses to be is their choice when they grow up and not yours. Be concerned about the values you teach them, not who they will be partnering in adulthood.
We must move on and stop stereotyping and classifying toys into specific genders groups.
A child’s development and their interests will guide them to what they want to play with.
It’s OK for boys to play dress ups.
It’s OK for boys to cry.
It’s OK for boys to express their feelings.
It’s OK for boys to get their feelings hurt.
It’s OK if boys can’t always “suck it up”.
It’s OK for boys to help in the laundry.
It’s OK for boys to skip.
It’s OK for boys to sit down and pee.
It’s OK for boys not to like conflict and fighting.
It’s OK for boys to express they want to marry mommy.
It’s OK for boys to express they want to marry their buddy.
It’s OK for boys to be Ariel, Jasmine, or Elsa.
It’s OK for boys to cuddle soft toys, have a favorite toy, or blanket.
It’s OK for boys to have 20+ soft toys on their bed.
It’s OK for boys to hate sports.
It’s OK for boys to play with doll houses.
It’s OK for boys to dance and sing.
It’s OK for boys to love fairy tales.
It’s OK for boys to sew.
It’s OK for boys to love clothes and fashion.
It’s OK for boys to do threading and beading.
It’s OK to be a sensitive, caring, nurturing kid.
These little boys we are raising will someday be a husband, partner, friend, neighbor, or member of our society. Their sexual identity does not define them, their actions, behaviors, and words do.
Interested in more? I would love to meet to you! Email or call anytime to schedule a session. (817) 701-5438 | firstname.lastname@example.org
CRT, CCDC, CACC | Counselor & Life Coach
Empowering individuals, families and communities to grow and heal through advanced approaches in Creative Arts Therapy, setting the standard for treatment, practice and training within the field.