You’re Not Going Crazy… You’re Just Codependent
Definition of codependency: a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person manifesting low self-esteem and a strong desire for approval has an unhealthy attachment to another often controlling or manipulative person.
Who are you without Nathan? I recently asked Amanda.
“Well, I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister, and an attorney.”
“Okay, let me ask you again…. Who are you without your husband, kids, parents, sister, and your career?”
“What do you mean Becky?”
“Well, if I take all of these people and factors out of the equation, who is Amanda?”
Silence. Deer in the headlights. Body language softens. The tears start to flow.
“I guess I don’t know.”
Amanda had the “greatest mom in the world”. Amanda described her childhood as “perfect” with “no issues or problems”. She was the prize child in the family.
With no idea what she was reveling, Amanda described a codependency that was conceived early in her childhood and continued in her adult life.
Codependency. There is much more to this term than everyday clinginess. Codependent relationships are far more extreme than this. A person who is codependent will plan their entire life around pleasing the other person, or the enabler.
In its simplest terms, a codependent relationship is when one partner needs the other partner, who in turn, needs to be needed.
This circular relationship is the basis of what experts refer to when they describe the “cycle” of codependency.
The codependent’s self-esteem and self-worth will come only from sacrificing themselves for their partner, who is only too glad to receive their sacrifices.
Defining codependency:
- Codependent relationships can be between friends, romantic partners, or family members.
- Often, the relationship includes emotional or physical abuse.
- Friends and family members of a codependent person may recognize that something is wrong.
- Like any mental or emotional health issue, treatment requires time and effort, as well as the help of a clinician.
So….what is a healthy loving relationship that does not encompass codependency?
There is a huge difference between a loving healthy dependency and codependency.
It is important to know the difference between depending on another person — which can be a positive and desirable trait — and codependency, which is harmful.
The following are some examples that illustrate the difference:
Dependent: Two people rely on each other for support and love. Both find value in the relationship.
Codependent: The codependent person feels worthless unless they are needed by — and making drastic sacrifices for — the enabler. The enabler gets satisfaction from getting their every need met by the other person. The codependent is only happy when making extreme sacrifices for their partner. They feel they must be needed by this other person to have any purpose.
Dependent: Both parties make their relationship a priority, but can find joy in outside interests, other friends, and hobbies.
Codependent: The codependent has no personal identity, interests, or values outside of their codependent relationship.
Dependent: Both people can express their emotions and needs and find ways to make the relationship beneficial for both of them.
Codependent: One person feels that their desires and needs are unimportant and will not express them. They may have difficulty recognizing their own feelings or needs at all.
One or both parties can be codependent. A codependent person will neglect other important areas of their life to please their partner. Their extreme dedication to this one person may cause damage to:
- other relationships
- their career
- their everyday responsibilities
The enabler’s role is also dysfunctional. A person who relies upon a codependent does not learn how to have an equal, two-sided relationship and often comes to rely upon another person’s sacrifices and neediness.
Experts now say codependency can result from a range of situations:
- Damaging parental relationships
- Living with a mentally or physically ill family member
- Abusive families
A few things can help toward forming a positive, balanced relationship:
- People in codependent relationships may need to take small steps toward some separation in the relationship. They may need to find a hobby or activity they enjoy outside of the relationship.
- A codependent person should try to spend time with supportive family members or friends.
- The enabler must decide that they are not helping their codependent partner by allowing them to make extreme sacrifices.
Healthy dependency and codependency can be tricky.
It generally takes being invested in discovering where the codependency stems from. Codependency is not conceived in adulthood. It is a simple yet complex piece of you that rears its ugly head when you are obvious to its presence. It is the piece hidden deep down inside that is hard as hell to identify, reject, and move forward.
Interested in more? I would love to meet to you! Email or call anytime to schedule an in-person or virtual session. (817) 701-5438 | beckylennox2018@gmail.com
Speaking Truth,
Becky Lennox
CRT, CCDC, CACC | Counselor & Life Coach
Empowering individuals, families and communities to grow and heal through advanced approaches in Creative Arts Therapy, setting the standard for treatment, practice and training within the field.
