Dissecting Emotions: Love vs. Being in Love

Before we dive into Love Vs. Being in Love, please read my previous article, “What is “Love” Anyway?” where we discus what love really is and ten examples most commonly given by my patients.
Now, let’s dissect….
“I love her/him but I am not ‘in love’ with her/him”. I have hard this statement countless times in my office. The same statement that proves to be gut wrenching when the statement is said by an individual you are in love with.
The statement “I am not in love with you” is a direct and honest expression of someone’s feelings toward another person. It commonly indicates that the person does not experience the intense romantic feelings or passion typically associated with being “in love” with the individual to whom they are speaking. This does not mean that love does not exist. It generally means that a partner does not experience a deep emotional connection with their partner. This could be due to many different factors. Lack of intimacy, sex, quality time, communication, commitment, or priorities are some of the few.
When someone says “I am not in love with you,” it can be a difficult and painful realization for both parties involved, especially if the other person still harbors romantic feelings or hopes for the relationship. However, it’s essential to acknowledge and respect the honesty and sincerity of the statement.
Yes, couples can fall back in love with their spouse, but it requires effort, commitment, and willingness from both partners to rebuild and strengthen their relationship. It takes identifying and owning each individuals’ issues leading to the demise of the connection.
Discolosure: BOTH parties have to have the mindset of repairing, learning, owning, and the desire to re-connect. Many couples don’t wake up one day and decide, “Wow, let’s reconnect and live happily ever after”. There is generally a crisis, event, occurrence, line drawn, partner leaving, or something big happen to get their attention.
Couples have to start somewhere…here is a good place to begin:
Open Communication: Communicate openly and honestly about your feelings, needs, and concerns in the relationship. Discuss what led to the loss of connection and explore ways to reconnect emotionally. This generally goes much better with a third-party present.
Are you a communicator? Do you tend to shut down, blow up, blame, or shove issues under the rug? Where do you feel you learned this behavior? Has it served you to this point in your life? What do you feel you need to address regarding communication?
Identify Issues: Identify any underlying issues or challenges in the relationship that may have contributed to the distance between you and your spouse. Addressing these issues together can help create a stronger foundation for rebuilding love and trust. Making a list individually and then sharing the list with one another usually shows that both parties know what issues are present.
Are you willing to identify your part in the disconnect in the relationship? Are you ready to own these issues and what your part is in the disconnect? Are you willing to address the issues identified and work on them? What do you feel these issues might be?
Quality Time Together: Life is about priorities. I have seen hundreds of patients over the years who get lost in life, work, and various other interests or obligations. I have never met a couple who did not prioritize the relationship in the beginning. Spending quality time together doing activities that you both enjoy and that promote bonding and connection. This is not only feeding the relationship in a positive way, it is also standing as a positive role model for family, friends, children, and other couples. It is saying your relationship is important enough to make it a priority. This could involve going on dates, taking up a new hobby together, a new activity, or simply spending quiet time talking and reconnecting.
Do you feel you making an effort to spend quality time together with your partner? Do you feel your relationship is lacking or missing quality time together? Do you feel quality time is important to you and your relationship? Did your relationship share quality time in the past? What did that look like? What do you see as quality time together? What do you feel your partner sees as quality time?
Physical Intimacy: This is an absolute must in any relationship with a partner. This does not always mean the act of sex but physical touch in some manner. It is amazing to me how many couples have shared life with the other without actually touching for years. It is possible to rekindle physical intimacy and affection in the relationship. There has to be a desire, a brave individual not afraid of rejection, and dedication to opening up the door to vulnerability. Physical touch, hugs, kisses, and cuddling can help foster closeness and rekindle the romantic spark between you and your partner. Many times, taking the first step is the most difficult.
Do you feel you and your partner are physically intimate? What does this mean to you? What is physical intimacy to you? Are you lacking physical intimacy in your relationship? Describe what you would like to see happen to obtain physical intimacy.
Express Appreciation: How is it that our parents teach us to show appreciation from a very early age. “Thank-you” and “Please”. Taking the little time, it takes to express appreciation and gratitude to your partner can go a long way. Yes, I know many individuals who are guilty of “why should I thank him for taking out the trash when I do it all the time?” This statement, thought, or mentality will not prove to be your friend in the long run, trust me. Actually, acknowledging their efforts, strengths, and positive qualities, can serve as the cheerleader they might need at the time.
Are you appreciative? Do you verbally state your appreciation? Do you feel you need to express your appreciation? Do you feel expressing your appreciation is important to your partner? Is verbal appreciation important to you?
Work on Yourself: Holy crap is this important and we forget to do it! We are so busy worrying about what other people are doing, what we need to do, what they need to do, and how to fix things, we forget to stop for a minute and look at ourselves, needs, and become aware of what we are doing that works and what does not work. Focusing on personal growth and self-improvement, both individually and as a couple only enhances the relationship. This could involve addressing any personal issues or insecurities that may be affecting the relationship and working towards becoming the best version of yourselves.
What issues have you identified and addressed pertaining to yourself apart from your partner. What did you learn from this? Do you feel you need to “work on yourself”? If so, what areas do you feel you would benefit from working on? Have you ever really taken the time to explore your issues, where they are coming from, and address them in a healthy manner?
Seek Professional Help: Thank God therapy or “going to talk to someone” is much more accepted in today’s world. Seeking guidance from a therapist or counselor who can provide support, guidance, and tools for rebuilding love and trust in the relationship can assist couples in not “starting over” but “starting new”. This is not always an easy road but it is a road well worth believing in and taking. The first step is the willingness to take a deep dive into yourself and learning how to implement this into your relationship.
Have you reached out for professional help? If so, did this prove to be helpful? Do you feel you or your relationship could benefit from counseling? If so, in what areas?
Forgiveness and Letting Go: Damned forgiveness. Why is it so extremely difficult to actually do? I feel people don’t want to forgive because they feel they are submitting, becoming too vulnerable, or releasing their power. Forgiveness in a relationship actually is an act of letting go of resentment, anger, or hurt that one may feel towards their partner for a perceived offense or wrongdoing. It involves granting pardon and choosing not to hold grudges or seek revenge for past actions that caused pain or harm. This can be extremely difficult when your partner has deeply hurt you. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean forgetting what happened or condoning the behavior, but rather, it’s a conscious decision to release negative emotions and move forward in the relationship with understanding, empathy, and a willingness to rebuild trust. It’s an essential component of healthy relationships as it allows for healing, growth, and the possibility of reconciliation…when you believe there is no possible hope.
When have you forgiven your partner for something that was extremely difficult for you to do? What are you holding on to that you have not forgiven your partner for? What are the reasons you have not allowed yourself to do so? What do you feel you need to forgive your partner for?
Reignite Romance: Another one that requires effort. Effort to reignite the romance in your relationship by surprising your partner with thoughtful gestures, romantic gestures, or special outings. Effort exhibits a desire to engage, connect, and committed to the relationship.
What have you done requiring effort in reigniting romance in a relationship? Have you ventured out of your comfort zone to try to make this happen? Have you made an effort to accomplish what would make your partner feel loved and appreciated? What do you think you could do to reignite your relationship?
Stay Committed: Rebuilding love takes time, patience, and dedication. “Nothing worthwhile is ever easy”. Most of us have heard this statement. It suggests that valuable or significant achievements typically require effort, perseverance, and sometimes overcoming challenges or obstacles. It implies that the most meaningful or rewarding things in life often demand hard work, dedication, and resilience. Stay committed to the process, even when things get tough, and continue to prioritize your relationship and each other’s happiness. We tend to buy into this regarding schooling, education, work, occupations, and professional development.
Why is this not the case in relationships? When do you feel, you have not stayed committed to a relationship? Did you give up or “threw in the towel”? When have you stayed committed in a relationship? How did you exhibit this?
While rebuilding love in a relationship is possible, it’s essential to recognize that it may not happen overnight and requires ongoing effort and commitment from both partners. By working together and supporting each other, couples can overcome challenges and create a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.
Dealing with love can be difficult and overwhelming but you are not alone! If you are struggling right now, let’s talk. You can book an in-person or virtual visit.
Email or call anytime to schedule an in-person or virtual session. (817) 701-5438 | beckylennox2018@gmail.com
Speaking Truth,
