Teaching Kids How to Deal with Disappointment

I see it several times a week in my private practice.

Kids who don’t know how to handle disappointment much less know what it actually feels like to experience disappointment. I don’t know about you but my parents allowed me to experience disappointment and never sugar coated it when I did.

Many kids (and adults) will mask disappointment with anger. When they actually feel “let down” many kids identify this feeling as anger and have learned that crying, throwing a fit, complaining, or blaming others teaches their parents to concentrate on making them happy, and wind-up jumping hoops to do so.

For the love of God, please allow your children to experience emotional pain and disappointment so they don’t find themselves in a therapist office as an adult, playing the victim card.

The “everybody is a winner” mentality isn’t always best for children’s emotional and psychological development. Each child receiving a trophy or reward when they know they did not do their best (and they do know this) only feeds into the “poor me” victim mentality that proves to destroy them as adults.

Okay, it is not easy to observe your child disappointed; it can physically pain you to see them heartbroken or downtrodden from a perceived failure, loss or disillusioned desire. As much as you’d like to shelter them from it, you won’t always be able to spare them from life’s many letdowns. Kids need to learn how to feel disappointed and experiencing this while under a parent’s roof can only help them in the long run.

The reality is life is full of disappointments, and the sooner your child learns how to cope with them the better. Disappointment on any level is a healthy and positive emotion that helps mold and shape a child’s emotional, intellectual and social development. But it’s imperative for you as a parent to actually let them experience it and then actively teach them the value of it.

We ALL experience childhood trauma on some level.

Although some experience much worse trauma, we all feel pain, hurt, rejection, and disappointment on some level. When confronted with the fallout of childhood trauma, why do some children adapt and overcome, while others bear lifelong scars that stifle their true potential? It is simple: the kids who grow-up and learn to handle their trauma have had at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive adult. An adult who allows them to fail, hurt, make mistakes, and been right there beside them every step of the way.

A huge mistake well-meaning parents tend to make is trying to “make it all better,” putting a quick-fix “Band-Aid” on the problem as quickly as possible in order to see a smile on their child’s face again. Parents want the turmoil associated with their child’s unhappiness to stop, and many times this means they stoop to their own behaviors that in turn prove to be unhealthy for everyone involved.

By appeasing your child with excessive affection or even buying them gifts to ease the pain, or blaming others, you’re doing more harm than good. While it’s okay to be there for them and comfort them, trying to totally eradicate any disappointed feelings will give your child zero experience in solving little setbacks on their own – resulting in future meltdowns when they come face to face with big setbacks down the road.

Accepting a child’s failures and disappointments instead of simply trying to “fix” everything teaches children that life is not fair and there will always be disappointments. Having the skills to deal with this is vitally important.

Adults should:

• convey unconditional acceptance or love,
• focus on identifying and applying the strengths or ‘islands of competence’ of youngsters and not just on ‘fixing’ their deficits,
• help children learn to deal with both successes and setbacks,
• teach children problem-solving and decision-making skills,
• discipline in ways that promote self-discipline, and
• create opportunities for youngsters to enrich the lives of others

If you want to help your child, the answer isn’t taking away the pain; the answer is actually teaching him or her to see these road-blocks and hurdles as opportunities to grow, learn and continually improve.

Here are Seven Ways to Teach Your Children How to Deal with Disappointment:

1. Allow your children to feel disappointment about the setback.
2. Don’t “spin” the situation to make your children feel better. Do not blame other people or your child will also.
3. Offer a healthy perspective on disappointment by asking them what they can learn from it.
4. Support your children, but don’t give them a consolation prize.
5. Help your children find ways to surmount the causes of their disappointment;
6. Tell your children that they will survive these disappointments and will achieve their goals if they keep trying hard.
7. Finally, make sure they know you love them regardless of their successes or failures.

Raising healthy children can be difficult and overwhelming. If you are struggling right now, let’s talk. You can book an in-person or virtual visit.

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Email or call anytime to schedule an in-person or virtual session. (817) 701-5438 | beckylennox2018@gmail.com

Speaking Truth,

Becky Lennox
CRT, CCDC, CACC | Counselor & Life Coach

Empowering individuals, families and communities to grow and heal through advanced approaches in Creative Arts Therapy, setting the standard for treatment, practice and training within the field.